Ambivalence

Note: this post has nothing to do with ambivalence. I just love that word.

Anyway, this has been a rather... turbulent week. Up and down and down and up, and I've really wanted to blog about so many things that it's all amounted to.. well, nothing.

Basics: Exams are over. Yeah. They were okay, I suppose. Legal was as straightforward as ever, as was English. History was suspiciously easy (I finished half 'n' hour early, so I'm worried I interpreted the whole thing wrong), and French... FRENCH. BETRAYAL.

Stupid Mr B told us to write a film review on Monsieur Batignole, said that was the only thing on the exam besides the listening and responding bit, and so that's what everyone does. We skip along to the exam, and voila, that's not even on it. He wrote the stupid exam. Now, it's not like what was on it was impossible. It's just he never told us to practise all these kinds of pieces - stories, articles, etc. You can't tell us to practise one thing specifically and put on a completely different thing. My only consolation is the whole class probably flunked it with me, and it was undeniably his fault. I even tried, you know. Wrote a whole review out without Google translate. That's what effort gets you, folks -_-'

So that's that. I also did the GAT - which is like a backup general knowledge exam you do for subjects in their final year (if you don't understand... well, it's not important) and that was... okay. I'm a tad bit worried because for the first writing part, they give you a whole bunch of random information regarding a topic (ours was Mount Everest) and they tell you to arrange it and present it. I summarised the whole thing in one page. They give you three pages. My tutor said to look at the amount of pages and figure out what they expect. How much can I possibly write on it?? Ah well. Note to self: do not fail the final subjects.

Of course, the most wicked awesome aspect of this week would be... MY COUSIN. It's been wonderful, of course. Poor soul was freezing 'cause he conveniently showed up at the start of Winter. But it's been going just like I planned. He drives my sister mad, and it's hilarious. We've watched a few movies, gone on long walks... wow, okay, that's starting to sound like dating? o.O I mean, all three of us. And it's kinda like a tour. 

And he's sooo funny. I can't explain it, 'cause it's... um... curry humour. And the sadistic type that runs in our family. So I don't think you'd appreciate it, but let's just say I've been laughing more in this one week than I have since I got back from Lanka at the start of the year. I'm still fairly awkward around him, but better than with any of my other older boy cousins.

That being said, I'm feeling very distanced from my family. And unloved. Let me just say I'm boring. Maybe not online, you could probably convince me of that, but, 'in real life'. I'm shy, quiet, reserved, freaky calm in appearance at the best of times. My sense of humour is not understood by my extended family. When my cousins talk to my sister (the ones from my mother's side), they all get together and make dirty jokes. I guess I can laugh at them, but how do I join in? I'm not one for making those kind of crude remarks. I don't gush over good looking guys, I just don't see the point. I can't talk books with them - they wouldn't have read them. They're not interested. Basically, it's like I'm from a completely different planet and we can never connect.

Remember I said something abot getting over the Skype-phobia? The other day, my two favourite nieces called on Skype, after ages, 'cause their computer had been broken. I adore them, you have no idea. The second one, she's like me when I was little, maybe a little less bookish and certainly more pretty, but sporty, active, tomboy. I was excited. I hopped on to Skype. I tried to talk. I tried so very hard. But they were just flat out, you know, awkward one-word responses, that sort of thing. Frustrated, I handed the headphones over to my sister. In like five seconds they've got a conversation going like they're not in fact separated by miles of ocean and a computer screen.

Why wouldn't they talk to me? Why doesn't anyone? How is it, when my sister sends a message to my favourite cousin to Skype with her the next day, even if not exactly punctually, they'll still make it? But me, sending these messages once in a blue moon, always gets ignored?

(Wow, this is taking a depressing turn, but I've got to let it out. You may ignore me, if you want ^^ )

Not to mention emails. Whether I'm splat in the middle of exams or whatever, I always try and email my favourite cousin. I understand it's easier for me, our internet connection is always on and blah blah blah, but she literally never emails me now. Everytime she does, she wins over my heart because I cannot find it in me to hate her, or be mad at her. And yet, half these times her excuse for not emailing is laziness.

I read in a Jodi Picoult book ages ago ('Mercy', I think. I don't recommend. Grossly adult), that you can never have fifty-fifty love, you know, equal love on both sides. It's always going to be forty-sixty, or seventy-thirty. Sometimes even ten-ninety. But no matter what, one person is always going to love the other person more. Sometimes only by a bit, other times disproportionately. I believed that at the start, but only for romanticky relationships. I've now come to realise that this applies to practically every kind.

All you have to think about is a mother slaving for her kid, who, at a teenage age, is willing to pretend she doesn't know her in public. That's the simplest example I can give. I don't think this can apply to everyone. I don't like generalising, and not everyone is the same. There will always be diamonds in the rough. But I think this will always apply to me. I'm going to be that weaker, more-loving one that will never get it back equally. Let's face it, I'm not charming, pretty, witty, relatable. I'm not blaming anyone, you cannot force love, it's just the way it's going to be. If it's like this with people who are expected to love me, can you imagine what it'd be like if I liked a guy? 

Yeah, I'm doomed. Gosh, this is depressing, is it not? But I've accepted it. I'll probably forget this the next time my favourite cousin emails me, but so what. She'll forget me again. It's reality. The truth honestly hurts.

ATM:

Writing: Chipped. Have made progress. I've got my spark, though things are still a bit slow.

Reading: Fear. Well, not yet, but I'm starting. Soon :)

Listening to: Funny Little World. Alexander Rybak. Eep. Love him ^^

Feeling: Meh. As I said, there's good, and there's bad. Up and down. 

Don't promise me forever; just love me day by day
No one knows the future, we're young but that's okay
'Cause you'll always be a part of me, whatever life will bring
And people have to bear with you, this silly song I sing

Your boyfriends might be angry, my girlfriends might be blue
But no one can deny it from now on I love you
And I have to say it's new to me, this feeling in my heart
Guess I've been kind of lonely and you've been kind of smart

Peace in, 

Laila