I did something revolutionary today.
In my family, we do not apologise. For little, meaningless things, yes. Bump into one of them as we walk by, a reflexive 'sorry' might just make a brief appearance, but really, it's not deep or something to actually be acknowledged.
I mean that in our family, the apologies that we need, the ones that matter, never happen. The ones after a huge fight, where we've said really cutting things that we don't really mean but still have a ring of truth to them, which is what makes them so sharp. Silly misunderstandings that escalate, unintentional damage caused to something that's important to someone else.
Don't get me wrong - I don't think we mean to be so unapologetic, unforgiving, shameless. Prideful. It's just that my family is really, seriously unsentimental. We don't hug and kiss a lot, genuine I-love-you's are rare, we never talk feelings (shudder). We like to be tough, we like to Just Get Over things. We rage, and then we go on as if nothing happened. If we ever try to do something different, it's usually met with suspicion, derision, or just plain discomfort. So we don't.
But ever since I realised this, I've felt bad. I don't mean it constantly plagues me - just, on occasion, it pops into my head, and I feel a little guilty. Particularly if I've done something bad.
I remember, in our old house, the toilet, my dad had this thing on the wall, and among the many important phrases/words, it stated that the six most important words were 'I admit I made a mistake'. (Actually, it was really good food for thought... so I found it again. Here.)
It shouldn't be that hard. It's basically just 'sorry'. One word.
But ohmyGod, how hard is it to do that, to put aside all that pride - not arrogance, just dignity - after all the screaming, the blind defending and attacking, the ranting and raving and I'mrightyou'rewrong-ing, to put it all aside after being so very sure, to admit DEFEAT.
It's so hard. Particularly with my family. I can apologise to friends. But family. Family who can tear you apart and you can't do anything about it (besides tear them apart?). Family you can't just not see again. Family, who no matter how they cut you down and make you hate the whole entire world, are your comfort zone. Family who will never let anything you did go.
But I said I did something revolutionary, and so you know I did it. Firstly, my mama. You know from my last post that she was driving me crazy. There were a few yelling matches. But. But. I said sorry. Two times. And even though it took a lot of self-pep talking, it was worth it. It wasn't a monumental event. My mother just made 'okay' kind of sound, and, as we do best, life just went on.
But it felt good, a genuine, pure relief; a certain kind of weightlessness. It was lovely.
However, I must admit - I don't know if this is just a retrospect thing - but I think that on the scale of people in my family, my mother, while at the hard end, is not the most difficult person to contend with. No, that role would go to my older sister.
We had a fight today. It was a stupid fight (as most fights in my family are). I was defending someone she was annoyed with, she made it seem like I was 'taking their side', whereas, in my view, I wasn't taking any sides - just presenting the other side. But then it escalated, and I said stupid, nasty things that implied she was a bad sister - I wasn't even being logical (though I guess that's pretty typical of a stupid fight?). Regardless, even though I still think a lot of what she had to say was unfair, I was... inspired... to try and apologise.
You do not approach my sister when she is mad. I think I have posted about this occasionally, in the past years. Regardless of whether whatever she says makes sense or not, she just has a tone that can cut you to shreds. That's all it takes. The smart move is to avoid her until the storm passes, and you can resume life like nothing happened before.
But. But I knew that if I waited that long, my apology would become a bit...redundant. I mean, she'd be over it, I'd be too, and it wouldn't feel as valuable.
Yet I could not approach her, in person. I was very much afraid of her capacity to shoot before and ask questions later. So. So. So, I sent her text.
...
Is that stupid? Cowardly? I can't help it. I'm scared of her. She doesn't have to do much to make me cry. This will be an incomplete post, because I only just sent it to her, and I'm awaiting her reaction/response. Whether I upgrade to verbal apologies in the future really depends on how this one pans out. Still, despite my underlying fear - this feeling of waiting in line to be executed - I feel good. It feels good to do the right thing. I know it's cheesy and so goody-two-shoes, but I can't help it.
In a weird sort of irony, I think that putting aside your pride to do something like this only results in it coming back afterwards, more blown up and self-righteous than before ;)
Peace in,
Laila
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Rant of a Caged Bird
Welcome, 2015.
I feel like whoever is reading this can already sense the bitterness. Is that my imagination? Maybe it's because I'm already in a grumpy mood, I can see the grumpy in everything else too.
There were no fireworks for me in the last transition between years. It's not really that big a deal - the fireworks are pretty overrated. It's really just the atmosphere in the city, all the people, no cars, and these beautiful celebratory warmth. But again, not being allowed to go to the city for fireworks night is not that big a deal.
I've been trying to refrain from doing this rant because I'm trying not to rant in general, and I don't like to burden people with my insignificant problems that aren't even that big a deal...
But a) it's not like I have such a huge readership to burden, and b) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I am not a bad kid, I think. My parents have always only been mildly strict. They have their limits, but I've never been into the crazy party life, so wherever I ask to go, they let me. And if they say no, the most I ever do is cry, and then get over it. That's all.
Everyone who knows this says I'm passive. My sister can go anywhere anytime, because when they said no, she went anyway, and then my parents just got comfortable. Like, okay, she's back in one piece, that wasn't so hard. She, too, has no interest in the wild side, mostly it's just lectures and stuff anyhow. I guess they don't like the idea of sending their girls out alone into the world, but then afterwards, they realise it's not that bad.
But anyone who tells me that I need to take a leaf out of her book, I just say that it's not me. I admire how my sister can be a powerhouse, how she gets things done. But I've always been a goody-two shoes, it hurts me to rebel against my parents over trivial things like going out one night. I don't like yelling at them, and how are you supposed to have fun somewhere, knowing your parents are mad at you?
Lately, though, lately it's been a different story.
As you know, I'm a walker/cyclist. Well, I hope you know that. I generally do a walk/bike ride a day. I don't go over an hour. Most people consider that healthy.
My mother is convinced that I walk 'too much', that walking is making me weak, that I'm going to lose too much weight and keel over and die. Mind you, besides my one hour of daily exercise, I usually spend the rest of the day dawdling around at home, reading, moping, you know? It's not like I have an otherwise active lifestyle.
HOW CAN YOU WALK TOO MUCH, HOW IS IT SUCH A BAD THING??? YOU CAN'T EVEN LOSE THAT MUCH WEIGHT FROM WALKING. AHGHAG.
And really, that's all I ask from holidays. I don't need to go out all day everyday, I'm happy to do family trips, and I can just spend time at home. I'm usually a homebody. I just like my daily walk. Is that too much to ask for?
But now, on top of not being allowed to go walkies, I basically can't go anywhere, unless my older sister is in the mood, which is basically never. For example. The other day, my parents had to attend this nikkah that we weren't really invited to. She said that us three - my sister, my cousin, and I - could go chill in the city until they were done, and they'd pick us on the way back. My sister said she couldn't be bothered. So my mother decides that she'll leave my cousin in the city, but not me. She wanted me and my sister to go stay at our aunty's house - our aunty who was also attending the nikkah. So we were just going from our house, to another empty house. One prison to another, to what purpose?
I asked her why I couldn't just be dropped in the city too. My cousin and I used to do it quite often during the uni year. And it's not like my sister would take it personally, she just wanted a quiet place to read, maybe watch movies. But my mother just kept insisting that unless my sister was going, I couldn't go. Something about it not being safe. How can three be safe, one be safe, but not two?
And that's happened umpteen times all holidays. I can only go wherever my sister wants to go.
HOW IS THAT FAIR? WHAT, SO MY VACATION DEPENDS SOLELY ON MY SISTER'S MOODS?
I don't blame my sister, for once. She doesn't have to be my babysitter. What I don't understand is why I'm being put under lockdown. All these things that I've been doing constantly, until now, are suddenly forbidden, and I don't know why. I used to think that it was because of the climate - as in, with the shooting, and the Sydney siege more recently, they were worried about my safety. But how does it make sense when I'm not going alone?
I'm just... LADJHFAKSJHDFLAE.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
And thus, I'm going insane. The only time I'm ever allowed to go out is to do shopping with my mother, or that one luncheon we attended. Oh, or when we all go to the park together.
The thing about that is... Usually, that's fine by me. But these days, since all I ever do is spend time with family, I'm just sort of sick of it. When I'm at home, I have to entertain the little ones, and when I go to the park, I have to babysit them. And my mother still sets all these limits on how far I can walk. For God's sake. I just want a bit of free time, with people my age. My cousin can easily be that person, but no, I can't even go for a walk with him.
I know this is dramatic, but I am dying. This house is suffocating me. It's one thing to voluntarily be a homebody. It's another thing when you're forcibly kept at home. And slowly, I'm mutating into this awful human being. I'm so moody, the slightest things set me off. I am more aggressive than I have ever been in my whole entire life. I am sullen and snarky. I keep yelling at my mother. I just... Why can't she be reasonable? I am not asking much. Just let me go for one damn walk. The world is not that terrible.
I don't know. I hope the new year welcomed you a little more warmly.
Peace in,
Laila
I feel like whoever is reading this can already sense the bitterness. Is that my imagination? Maybe it's because I'm already in a grumpy mood, I can see the grumpy in everything else too.
There were no fireworks for me in the last transition between years. It's not really that big a deal - the fireworks are pretty overrated. It's really just the atmosphere in the city, all the people, no cars, and these beautiful celebratory warmth. But again, not being allowed to go to the city for fireworks night is not that big a deal.
I've been trying to refrain from doing this rant because I'm trying not to rant in general, and I don't like to burden people with my insignificant problems that aren't even that big a deal...
But a) it's not like I have such a huge readership to burden, and b) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I am not a bad kid, I think. My parents have always only been mildly strict. They have their limits, but I've never been into the crazy party life, so wherever I ask to go, they let me. And if they say no, the most I ever do is cry, and then get over it. That's all.
Everyone who knows this says I'm passive. My sister can go anywhere anytime, because when they said no, she went anyway, and then my parents just got comfortable. Like, okay, she's back in one piece, that wasn't so hard. She, too, has no interest in the wild side, mostly it's just lectures and stuff anyhow. I guess they don't like the idea of sending their girls out alone into the world, but then afterwards, they realise it's not that bad.
But anyone who tells me that I need to take a leaf out of her book, I just say that it's not me. I admire how my sister can be a powerhouse, how she gets things done. But I've always been a goody-two shoes, it hurts me to rebel against my parents over trivial things like going out one night. I don't like yelling at them, and how are you supposed to have fun somewhere, knowing your parents are mad at you?
Lately, though, lately it's been a different story.
As you know, I'm a walker/cyclist. Well, I hope you know that. I generally do a walk/bike ride a day. I don't go over an hour. Most people consider that healthy.
My mother is convinced that I walk 'too much', that walking is making me weak, that I'm going to lose too much weight and keel over and die. Mind you, besides my one hour of daily exercise, I usually spend the rest of the day dawdling around at home, reading, moping, you know? It's not like I have an otherwise active lifestyle.
HOW CAN YOU WALK TOO MUCH, HOW IS IT SUCH A BAD THING??? YOU CAN'T EVEN LOSE THAT MUCH WEIGHT FROM WALKING. AHGHAG.
And really, that's all I ask from holidays. I don't need to go out all day everyday, I'm happy to do family trips, and I can just spend time at home. I'm usually a homebody. I just like my daily walk. Is that too much to ask for?
But now, on top of not being allowed to go walkies, I basically can't go anywhere, unless my older sister is in the mood, which is basically never. For example. The other day, my parents had to attend this nikkah that we weren't really invited to. She said that us three - my sister, my cousin, and I - could go chill in the city until they were done, and they'd pick us on the way back. My sister said she couldn't be bothered. So my mother decides that she'll leave my cousin in the city, but not me. She wanted me and my sister to go stay at our aunty's house - our aunty who was also attending the nikkah. So we were just going from our house, to another empty house. One prison to another, to what purpose?
I asked her why I couldn't just be dropped in the city too. My cousin and I used to do it quite often during the uni year. And it's not like my sister would take it personally, she just wanted a quiet place to read, maybe watch movies. But my mother just kept insisting that unless my sister was going, I couldn't go. Something about it not being safe. How can three be safe, one be safe, but not two?
And that's happened umpteen times all holidays. I can only go wherever my sister wants to go.
HOW IS THAT FAIR? WHAT, SO MY VACATION DEPENDS SOLELY ON MY SISTER'S MOODS?
I don't blame my sister, for once. She doesn't have to be my babysitter. What I don't understand is why I'm being put under lockdown. All these things that I've been doing constantly, until now, are suddenly forbidden, and I don't know why. I used to think that it was because of the climate - as in, with the shooting, and the Sydney siege more recently, they were worried about my safety. But how does it make sense when I'm not going alone?
I'm just... LADJHFAKSJHDFLAE.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
And thus, I'm going insane. The only time I'm ever allowed to go out is to do shopping with my mother, or that one luncheon we attended. Oh, or when we all go to the park together.
The thing about that is... Usually, that's fine by me. But these days, since all I ever do is spend time with family, I'm just sort of sick of it. When I'm at home, I have to entertain the little ones, and when I go to the park, I have to babysit them. And my mother still sets all these limits on how far I can walk. For God's sake. I just want a bit of free time, with people my age. My cousin can easily be that person, but no, I can't even go for a walk with him.
I know this is dramatic, but I am dying. This house is suffocating me. It's one thing to voluntarily be a homebody. It's another thing when you're forcibly kept at home. And slowly, I'm mutating into this awful human being. I'm so moody, the slightest things set me off. I am more aggressive than I have ever been in my whole entire life. I am sullen and snarky. I keep yelling at my mother. I just... Why can't she be reasonable? I am not asking much. Just let me go for one damn walk. The world is not that terrible.
I don't know. I hope the new year welcomed you a little more warmly.
Peace in,
Laila
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