Jazz's Prerequisites for a Solid Relationship

I think of my friend as a smart cookie. While she can appear to be a glitzy type of girl, she's quite perceptive, and I hold her in high esteem. She's been in two relationships.

The first has become a sort of joke to us. The guy was a professed Nazi. He was racist. He was racist against Asians, and technically, she's half Asian. How, we wonder. How on Earth do you justify sticking to that kind of guy?

We laugh about it, but her answer is basically: "Well, I didn't know beforehand. But then, when we were together, I just, I believe that once you get into a relationship, you stick to it and try to make it work no matter what."

She's a nice kind of girl.

Anyway, they were together for quite a while, I'd say over 5 months. It broke down because of time. He didn't make time for her. It sounds pathetic, but from what I was told, I think it was a fair reason. She tried so hard to make it easy for him, she was willing for them to just have a phone call a fortnight. Generous? I think so. But he couldn't do it. It ended hard. Even though she initiated it, she didn't want it to end, but he didn't fight for it. So it was over.

Her second guy. He's a weird story. He swept her off her feet in this whirlwind romance. Drive in cinema. Late nights at the park. Christmas dinner, and holidaying, with his family. $200 ring, then a $500 ring as a present in advance - he told her about it, but said that her friend had said it would be weird to give her two rings, so he withheld it. But he said that he didn't know if he could afford it in the future, so he was buying it now, just in case. He said he hoped they'd spend many Christmases together.

Oh, there were many romanticky words.

Even the big ILoveYou.

And then, just 20 days after, he drove up to her house, uncalled for, and announced that they were over because he 'just didn't feel it anymore'. No other explanation. No gradual break down. No other woman. Just like that.

Mind you, that relationship was only about 2 months long. I didn't realise it was that short, or I might've been more skeptical at the start.

Needless to say, it gutted her. She has been listless ever since, swinging between the extremes of 'what a complete a**hole', to 'what did I do wrong? what's wrong with me?' It gutted me too, because I hate seeing her this way. Putting aside typical insecurities, she's usually very well put together. I think she's a good role model. But now she's so broken, in a way. I have spent many a late night on my phone, or long hour at uni, hearing her out and trying to make her understand that sometimes people do selfish or inconsiderate things, and it's no one's fault, and there's nothing wrong with her. It always only works temporarily. The other day she told me that every day when she gets up, she has to convince herself that it wasn't her fault, or she can't get through the day. She said that she feels like he took her self-esteem with him. Ouch. It hurts my soul, and don't ask me for explanations, but I kind of know where she's coming from.

It's also added to my growing trust issues with the opposite gender. Sorry guys, but your record with the people I know isn't very impressive. Work on it.

But anyway, the one thing good about Jazz getting pensive is that she spouts out some wise and wonderful stuff. And this, my silent friends, is one of those thoughts. Of course, we discussed this, so this is kind of the refined version, but all credit to her :)

So what this is is kind of the foundations of what you need to establish when you're looking to get into an official relationship. It's not about the personal preference stuff, what to look for in the opposite gender, stuff to do with qualities. It's kind of neutral to that sort of thing. This is just to establish if you have the baseline to continue.

Of course these are just ideas, a hypothesis that hasn't been tested formally. But it sounds all right to me. It really just feels like common sense, but I guess when you get into the high, 'love is blind' and all that, you forget these basics. Make what you will of them. Here goes.

#1: Time.
The funny thing is, to be in a relationship, you actually have to be with that person. Physically. For regular periods of time. What 'regular' is is subjective, as is how much time is enough, but essentially, if you are never with a person, you guys are not in a relationship. In the average relationship, if one person doesn't make time, the other person will eventually go crazy. This is not just my friend's relationship. In Freedom Writers, that's what happened Erin Gruwell, and honestly, she was keeping kids in school. Still, you can't blame her man either. If you can't help it, you can't help it. So get it straight before you get into one.

#2: Fixer vs. Replacer
There are many kinds of people in the world. There are two kinds of people we're concerned with. The fixers are devoted to trying to make a relationship work, even when it hits the rocks. The replacers believe that when the going gets tough, it's best to get going and find someone else. Whatever, okay? I'm not here to point fingers. But what you need to understand is that fixers and replacers do not go together. In the event of a conflict, both react to it differently, and basically, a replacer will end up destroying a fixer. Let's say it's not personal. But it'll still hurt. That's not to say all fixers will fix every relationship they're in and get on with it. It just means they'll try harder. You need to decide where you are on that spectrum.

#3: Flaws.
I have always thought that relationships are not so much about finding the perfect person, but finding the person whose flaws you can live with. I think that might be a paraphrase of a quote, but I'm not sure. Anyway. I guess this speaks for itself. However, it might be problematic when you only become aware of these flaws after you dive deep into the relationship, when you put a ring on it or something. So the way you try to get around it is this: when you think that is it, this is where you want to get serious, you sit down and think to yourself - what don't I like this about this person? And you do not stop thinking until you find something. Maybe you need to quiz him/her, but you find something. You ask them to do the same for you. You establish exactly what you hate about each other, and then you decide, in advance, if you can stand them. It's not foolproof - you're still bound to come up with other stuff later on. But hopefully you can cover some of your biggest pet peeves.

#4: What? 
One of my favourite quotes from The Little Prince is: Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but looking outward together in the same direction. The reality is, if you intend to spend forever with someone, you have to make sure you have the same idea of what forever is. To some, it means 4 kids. To others, it means no kids. To some it means a ring on a finger. To others it needs no labels. I mean, maybe one of you doesn't even want a forever, in any way. So there are two parts to this. One: contrary to #3, what exactly do you like about this person? If all you can come up with is 's/he's a hottie', then perhaps you need to reconsider taking a serious step. Two: what are your goals

You know what? This. Is. All. Complete. And. Utter. BS.

You can pretend like you can plan ahead and prevent conflicts. You can act like you know all the necessary rules and principles to deal with problems. You can act like things like compromise, and talking about your feelings, and all that crap, can result in some kind of forever.

But you cannot control people. You cannot help the moment when they change their mind and decide they don't like you anymore. You cannot help it if they decide that the relationship you have is not worth fighting for anymore. You cannot stop them if they decide to leave you behind. And there's nothing you can do if they take your stupid heart with them. 

Really, the only thing people should keep in mind is that when someone decides to entrust you with their heart, and you accept, you have a responsibility. And it's freaking huge. Don't screw up.

But the key word there is 'should'. 

People should throw their rubbish in the bin. People should be loyal in relationships. People should refrain from murder.

And yet, there's rubbish on the streets, infidelity is rife, and we still have murderers in the world. So I guess it's okay to screw up someone's heart.

Peace in,
Laila

Phat

I'm pretty sure I first... well, I only ever, read this word in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. At the time it was just a quirky way of writing the other version of the word, but it has since evolved in my mind. I've decided this word, 'phat', refers to the special kind of phat that girls talk about. Although you wouldn't realise it, it being homophonous, it's actually what girls say when they say 'Do you think I'm phat?'

It's not about real solid, adipose-tissue fat, in excess, or obesity. It's the kind of phat that you see when you look in the mirror and you suck in your tummy but you can't make that slightly ginormously convex curve look a leetle concave. It's that feeling of frumpy, dumpy, heavy, bloatedness. It's a little real and mostly imaginary. It's the reason why you don't eat your whole meal, or skip one here or there. It's why you can't always walk out of the changing room to model the outfit for your friends. And although you know, you know, that beauty isn't a single standard, that everyoneisprettyintheirownway, why is it that the skinniest girls always seem to look the best? If they can be that thin, why can't you?

The other day, after studying for some of our final exams, my uni friends - Jazz and Panda - and I decided to go for our traditional drink at Ocha. On the way out, Jazz asked us, simply: 'Hey, you guys would tell me if I was phat, right?'

And as sort-of surprised as we were, Panda and I agreed in that vague kind of way.

When we were paying for parking, on our way out, Jazz threw out her drink.

"Wait, did you finish that?" I asked, horrified. "You didn't, did you?" I just can't do that. Like, no matter how sick I am, I always finish food. It's just... It's a rule. You can't do it. Kids in Africa, man.

"Yep," she said, noncommittally. 

"You can't do that!" I can't help getting a little self-righteous and bossy about my friends. "That's a waste. Kids in Africa."

"I was feeling phat,." she shrugged. And that was that. Me: stumped.

How do you deal with this? 

I dealt with this by pretending I'm above it all. I'm a good liar, to myself. I deal with fear by pretending I'm not scared. I deal with phat by pretending I don't care. It worked for ages. I got through most of high school. A lot of people I know think I'm cool because of it. I feign nonchalance, I roll my eyes, and when my sister does her jokey 'you're phat and ugly', it bounces off.

It doesn't. I calm the inside by maintaining the outside, but I know it's not real. 

I don't throw up in toilets, or obsess over grams and calories. I avoid scales and mirrors. I tell myself I'm covered.

But I still measure myself against all my friends. I still cringe when I don't fit into my sister's clothes. And yeah, on occasion, I skip meals. Maybe a lot.

And yeah, it's a major contributing factor to why can't be in photos. I just don't like seeing myself.

I'm so scared of being anorexic or bulimic. All the avoiding I do is to avoid going there. But in this weird way, I'm ending up there. I read Wintergirls. What scared me, for the first time, is that I kind of related. But I didn't want to. Maybe it's not surprising, but you need to understand - I'm so sure that I've got myself covered. And yet I'm not.

I like to think I'm above it all. But I'm not.

Yet, what you need to realise is: you know all those 'everyone is beautiful' philosophies? Dove Beauty Sketches and all that jazz? I believe it. I believe it all. All the way down to my soul. I insist and impose this on everyone I know. This post I wrote - I meant it. And I find beauty in everyone.

But why is it so hard to apply it to yourself?

Ohkay, I did not start with the intention of going down this path. So let me try steer it back.

When is phat actually fat?

I really think I'd tell my friends if their weight was a health hazard. Thus far, alhamdulillah, none of them look like that. But let's say... say someone like Jazz. She's gorgeous, of course. But the skin over her abdomen isn't stretched taught. When she sits down, you can see a belly.

Does that matter? Am I supposed to tell her that? Is the phat I'm supposed to notify her of her version, or my version? Because in my version, she's still a doll. But maybe in her version, that's exactly what she doesn't want. Are we trying to achieve a personal standard of beauty, or everyone else's version? Isn't our version shaped by everyone else, anyway?

And what about me? Am I phat or not?

Have you seen that picture of the stick thin girl who looks in the mirror, and her reflection is overweight or something? I live in a perpetual fear of this, of seeing a lie. But couldn't it work both ways? If it's possible to see yourself as phatter than you actually are, then couldn't you see yourself as a lot skinnier? So who's to say - despite what others say - who's to say I'm not seeing a sugarcoated version, honeyed even more with people saying what you want to hear, and maybe I really am fat.

How do we get ourselves out of these rabbit holes?

Please give me some food for thought. Not real food; I don't want to get phat ;) Bad joke? Ohkay. 

Peace in,
Laila