where your education closes doors, when it should be opening them

I have heard, time and time and time again, how the 'education system is screwed up'. Many times. I've watched the Sir Ken Robinson video, I've discussed it with friends, and the book I'm reading now - 'Linchpin' - skims over it too. And I've always kind of agreed - I remember ranting a bit about it when I did an issues thing in year 9 about the nation curriculum. But there are times when you can talk about something a lot without it really hitting you. Like advocating for the death penalty, until you know someone  personally who's being put on death row. And then it's personal.

Well, this just got personal.

So right now, my sort of excuse for a job is tutoring. I have three students. One is a girl in year 12, for English - let's call her Vera. I have another kid in year 8, who's a family friend, and I'm prepping her to take an exam for a selective entry school (*growl*). She will be henceforth known as Zena. And lastly, I just got a new year 12 student for History, but we won't worry too much about her. Mostly, this is about Vera and Zena.

Selective entry schools. I hate them. With a passion. I know hate is a strong word, but for the amount of unnecessary pressure they cause, I think they can take my hate. I had to try out when I was in year 8. They have a policy where they don't take more than 12 kids from any school, and my school met that limit, so I didn't get in. I know I would have gotten in otherwise, because they sent me a letter explaining this, and they said that if I really wanted, I could apply through another way. But I sabotaged this application, because I had decided that I was not going there, that I could do well in my below-average public school, and  I would prove it. The arguments I had with my mother, the tears - bad memories, man. But I proved it, didn't I?

Yet it came back to haunt me with little Zena. Zena... When she started tutoring with me, she was really quiet and reserved. She's still pretty impassive, but I think it's her natural state. Our relationship has evolved, in the sense that she talks to me more, and she's even brought in her school homework, which makes me giddy because it means she actually thinks that I help her...

Anyway. Selective entry schools. Firstly, they don't do anything. I have friends who have gone to these schools, who have told me that these schools don't do much for them. Really, there's a higher level of competition, but in the end, the school doesn't have to do much because they already handpicked the smartest kids around, so it's sort of guaranteed that they're going to do well. And more often than not, these kids already attend jizbillions of tuition classes, so it's not like they have to put in a lot of effort. So these nerdy kids go into this high pressure environment with a million extra classes on the side, and they get good results because really, they've had it written for them their whole lives, and when it's all said and done, the school looks great because all their kids did well, and they take credit for it, but they didn't actually do much for the kids because those kids were already going to do well anyway.

And then you have All Other Normal Schools that take in all students and cater to all needs, and people think they're not so great because there isn't a 90+ average in VCE, but in fact, these school are just doing their job by accepting everyone and giving them all an opportunity. Selective entry schools are missing the point of schooling in general - it's not about pumping out the highest achievers, it's about giving everyone the foundation of a good education to pave whatever path they want in life. If it's something academic, that's great. If it's not, well, that's just as great.

No matter what people say about my school, and God knows what they say now considering the shooting of Numan last year, the arrest of two more this year, plus the death of one who went overseas to apparently fight for ISIS - all boys I knew personally, two I went to primary school with... this is a whole other crisis... BUT. No matter what they say, I think my school is a good one. I think we are limited in resources, and the students have difficulty seeing it, but the teachers really try to help you get wherever you want to go. They try to help you achieve your personal best. They help you when it comes to academics, they help you get into TAFE, they help you join police academy or whatever. They do it without judgement. And I appreciate that.

Anyway. Selective entry schools are stupid, they serve no worthy purpose, and I hate them. Let me talk about the kind of pressure this puts on kids.

On the weekend, Zena went to one of the specialised tuition centres that train kids specifically for selective entry schools, to sit a practise exam. She brought the exams and results to her next class with me so we could go over them. She was disheartened by her results.

So I know from experience that these exams are pretty harsh. I had to attend tuition a month or so before doing the exam myself, and at first, I was absolutely distraught because I did terribly on each practise test - like, barely scraping 50% at times. And then I learnt that this was pretty average in the class, if, at times, above average. And then I was mortified.

But taking a look at the practise tests now - I was downright horrified. Disgusted. Let's talk about her reading comprehension test. It runs for 30min, with no extra reading time. There are 50 questions. Did you see that? 50. That's already less than one minute per question. But now keep in mind that it's reading comprehension. Now tell, where the Hell is she supposed to find time to read the damn passages before she tackles the questions?

It's basically designed to fail kids. It's impossible to excel. It's just...

It... It...  makes them feel stupid because they don't realise it's impossible.

Can you see how cruel that is?

I mean, it's not even just this tuition thing. Think about VCE. You can't get a perfect ATAR, only close. And that system is all about ranking. I mean, let's say a vast majority of one cohort worked super hard in preparation for an exam, and they all got 90%. Well, that just gets standardised so that when they get their results, it gets scaled down because it becomes average. How is that fair? Why must we take down a generation because so many are smart? Why can't we embrace their effort?

Even university. A few weeks back, I was in a tutorial, and everyone was expressing their frustration over the recent results that had come out. I was feeling quite good because I did well (it's my blog, let me brag ^_^ ), but then I listened to the tutor talk to the others, and ... ugh. Basically, she said that if everyone did well on their exams and whatnot, the higher ups would tell them that their assessment wasn't 'sensitive enough'. So in fact, no one should feel bad about getting an average mark, or a credit, because, well, average isn't bad. And I'm not saying average is bad. It's just that the way this tutor spoke, she was basically saying that they design tests with the expectation that most people won't do particularly well, and we should be satisfied with that. It's that... attitude. That attitude that you can't ever shine, so don't bother.

And sometimes they don't even seem to care about their subjects. In one unit, last year, the staff in our tutorials said at the start that they didn't expect people to show up to lectures or the tutorials, which weren't compulsory. For our assessments, they said that we wouldn't need to put in too much effort - they even told us that we could keep all our notes open when we do the quizzes. I've had similar experiences this year too. Now, how do you expect anyone to be motivated if you can't even fake enthusiasm for your own subject? If you, who teach it, don't value it, why should we?

Do you see what I'm saying, or am I just in an irrational rage about everything?

So let's get back to Vera. For English, you have three main types of written pieces that you do - a text response, a language analysis, and a context piece. A context piece is really a written piece of your own choice, which responds to a prompt about a theme that you've studied for the year - the main ones being Identity & Belonging, Encountering Conflict, and Whose Reality? I don't know if there's another one... But basically, you study them with a few texts, and it's got a lot of philosophical aspects to it.

So my kid is doing Identity & Belonging, which is what I studied. I coached her into writing a creative piece, a sort of made up reflection. Her writing has really improved since I started tutoring her, not because of me in particular... I think it's just that the school she goes to isn't so well off, according to her, and because her peers aren't too bright, the teachers are focused on bringing them up to speed, and they don't challenge them that much. But I've been challenging her, and she's basically risen to the challenge. She has deep ideas. She expresses them well, because I've helped her to expand her vocabulary, and so now she has more words to say what she wants to say. I'm so proud :')

So she does her SAC for context, and she gets her result. It's a B+. It's not bad, all things considered, but we had hoped for more. But then she showed me the feedback. There's literally ticks everywhere, there's positive commentary on the clarity and depth of her ideas... So where'd she lose a whole grade? On the marking rubric, the only 'negative' or 'critical' thing this teacher had to say was that she was too 'wordy'. Well, I didn't know what she meant by that in relation to the piece, because it looked reasonable to me. I know what loquacious looks like. I've tutored kids, and seen peers writing, and believe me, I know loquacious. As for word limits, technically there aren't any for any of the essays you're supposed to do. It's your own judgement call - in the end, they're going to look at your response, the quality of them, and how well you express them. If you can do this in less words, good for you, and if you can do them in more, that's fine. As long as you finish on time. So she can't have taken off a whole grade for it being too 'long', because there's no such thing as too long - if you wrote it within the time limit, well, that's that. Does that make sense?

So I got Vera to ask her teacher what she meant by that. Her teacher basically said that for example, where one person might say 'let's have lunch', Vera's approach was a bit 'when the sun is at its peak on the third day of the week, let us convene under the ancient oak at the park in the corner of the city for a simple meal, yadda yadda yadda'. What is that? That is loquacious.

I understand that. Except this piece wasn't like that. It was a creative piece, for God's sake, so it had description in it. But it wasn't irrelevant or frivolous. It had a point. It was art, and it suited the mood of her piece. Besides - even if you were to write this as an expository, I would think that you would still have to be quite descriptive if you want to break down your ideas for this kind of topic. Identity and Belonging has the potential to be really deep, so you really can't just leave it at 'let's have lunch'. You need to explore it. Heck, that's the whole context title - exploring issues of identity and belonging.

I mean, this goes back to the whole 'schools kill creativity' thing, right?  I don't think all schools do that. Just some schools,  and in particular, some idiotic teachers. When I was in year 12, yes, my teacher was wary of letting kids do creative for context, because he understood that it could be difficult to come up with something brilliant and original on the spot. But he humored whoever wanted to try it, including myself, and let me say it again - I did  well. What's important is that he let us make our own choices, because to him, it wasn't about doing it a certain way to get a certain grade; it was about achieving your own personal best, something you could be proud of. And he was happy if you were.

So I guess this rant touches on many little things to do with schooling and education, a bit here and a bit there. Let me sum it up for you:

1. Don't waste your time with selective entry schools. They suck. 

2. There are some institutions, some schools, some teachers, that just - for whatever reason - drag you down. Sometimes they do it because it's a system they're used to, sometimes it's because they think they're doing what's best for you. Sometimes they don't know what they're talking about. But they suck too.

3. Don't let people make you feel stupid. Wherever you go, whatever you do, put in a 100%, and you may reap the rewards, or you may not. The point is, you need to feel like it's your best, because you can't rely on these systems or people to appreciate you. You need to appreciate yourself. Own your genius, whatever kind it may be. 

Erm... take feedback too. I don't mean that people should always hug you and tell you you're awesome just because you did the work. Sometimes you are wrong, sometimes your ideas have a flaw or two. That's okay. Take it and improve. But don't let people limit you. Don't ever let them hold you back.

Man, it feels good getting that off my chest.

Peace in,
Laila

Rant of a Caged Bird

Welcome, 2015.

I feel like whoever is reading this can already sense the bitterness. Is that my imagination? Maybe it's because I'm already in a grumpy mood, I can see the grumpy in everything else too.

There were no fireworks for me in the last transition between years. It's not really that big a deal - the fireworks are pretty overrated. It's really just the atmosphere in the city, all the people, no cars, and these beautiful celebratory warmth. But again, not being allowed to go to the city for fireworks night is not that big a deal.

I've been trying to refrain from doing this rant because I'm trying not to rant in general, and I don't like to burden people with my insignificant problems that aren't even that big a deal...

But a) it's not like I have such a huge readership to burden, and b) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I am not a bad kid, I think. My parents have always only been mildly strict. They have their limits, but I've never been into the crazy party life, so wherever I ask to go, they let me. And if they say no, the most I ever do is cry, and then get over it. That's all.

Everyone who knows this says I'm passive. My sister can go anywhere anytime, because when they said no, she went anyway, and then my parents just got comfortable. Like, okay, she's back in one piece, that wasn't so hard. She, too, has no interest in the wild side, mostly it's just lectures and stuff anyhow. I guess they don't like the idea of sending their girls out alone into the world, but then afterwards, they realise it's not that bad.

But anyone who tells me that I need to take a leaf out of her book, I just say that it's not me. I admire how my sister can be a powerhouse, how she gets things done. But I've always been a goody-two shoes, it hurts me to rebel against my parents over trivial things like going out one night. I don't like yelling at them, and how are you supposed to have fun somewhere, knowing your parents are mad at you?

Lately, though, lately it's been a different story.

As you know, I'm a walker/cyclist. Well, I hope you know that. I generally do a walk/bike ride a day. I don't go over an hour. Most people consider that healthy.

My mother is convinced that I walk 'too much', that walking is making me weak, that I'm going to lose too much weight and keel over and die. Mind you, besides my one hour of daily exercise, I usually spend the rest of the day dawdling around at home, reading, moping, you know? It's not like I have an otherwise active lifestyle. 

HOW CAN YOU WALK TOO MUCH, HOW IS IT SUCH A BAD THING??? YOU CAN'T EVEN LOSE THAT MUCH WEIGHT FROM WALKING. AHGHAG.

And really, that's all I ask from holidays. I don't need to go out all day everyday, I'm happy to do family trips, and I can just spend time at home. I'm usually a homebody. I just like my daily walk. Is that too much to ask for?

But now, on top of not being allowed to go walkies, I basically can't go anywhere, unless my older sister is in the mood, which is basically never. For example. The other day, my parents had to attend this nikkah that we weren't really invited to. She said that us three - my sister, my cousin, and I - could go chill in the city until they were done, and they'd pick us on the way back. My sister said she couldn't be bothered. So my mother decides that she'll leave my cousin in the city, but not me. She wanted me and my sister to go stay at our aunty's house - our aunty who was also attending the nikkah. So we were just going from our house, to another empty house. One prison to another, to what purpose?

I asked her why I couldn't just be dropped in the city too. My cousin and I used to do it quite often during the uni year. And it's not like my sister would take it personally, she just wanted a quiet place to read, maybe watch movies. But my mother just kept insisting that unless my sister was going, I couldn't go. Something about it not being safe. How can three be safe, one be safe, but not two?

And that's happened umpteen times all holidays. I can only go wherever my sister wants to go.

HOW IS THAT FAIR? WHAT, SO MY VACATION DEPENDS SOLELY ON MY SISTER'S MOODS?

I don't blame my sister, for once. She doesn't have to be my babysitter. What I don't understand is why I'm being put under lockdown. All these things that I've been doing constantly, until now, are suddenly forbidden, and I don't know why. I used to think that it was because of the climate - as in, with the shooting, and the Sydney siege more recently, they were worried about my safety. But how does it make sense when I'm not going alone?

I'm just... LADJHFAKSJHDFLAE.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

And thus, I'm going insane. The only time I'm ever allowed to go out is to do shopping with my mother, or that one luncheon we attended. Oh, or when we all go to the park together.

The thing about that is... Usually, that's fine by me. But these days, since all I ever do is spend time with family, I'm just sort of sick of it. When I'm at home, I have to entertain the little ones, and when I go to the park, I have to babysit them. And my mother still sets all these limits on how far I can walk. For God's sake. I just want a bit of free time, with people my age. My cousin can easily be that person, but no, I can't even go for a walk with him. 

I know this is dramatic, but I am dying. This house is suffocating me. It's one thing to voluntarily be a homebody. It's another thing when you're forcibly kept at home. And slowly, I'm mutating into this awful human being. I'm so moody, the slightest things set me off. I am more aggressive than I have ever been in my whole entire life. I am sullen and snarky. I keep yelling at my mother. I just... Why can't she be reasonable? I am not asking much. Just let me go for one damn walk. The world is not that terrible.

I don't know. I hope the new year welcomed you a little more warmly.

Peace in,
Laila

The 'Strong' Female Lead

I read this post a few days ago, and I'm just very happy about it :) Why? It's kind of like a 'my-thoughts-exactly' situation, only Derek Landy (and I guess, his 'Twitter-wife'...?) just added to it, you know, developed the idea to more sophisticated proportions that my brain couldn't do, on its own.

[INTERMISSION: Have you people read the Skulduggery Pleasant books? If you haven't, DO READ THEM. They are hilarious. So completely laugh-out-loudable. And yeah, the storylines are exciting, captivating (though admittedly, when he gets to specific fighting scenes, he loses me), and the characters, whether they're evil or not, you love 'em all. But for me, personally, they're just so funny and that's the main reason why you should read them :) ]

So anyhow.

Over the last year or so, I've noticed this certain pattern in some kinds of YA novels, the dystopian or fantasy or adventure-y type. Mind you, not all of them are like I'm going to describe, but still enough for me to make out this pattern.

Basically, there will be a leading female character. She will be a kick-butt, in-yo-face ninja type. Or she will try to be this type, for the purpose of her story. Completely tomboy. And then, added to that, she has this certain kind of 'angry' attitude - you know, she repels people, she finds it difficult to accept love, maybe she's socially awkward, she's just better at hitting people, blah blah blah. And sometimes, if you get really lucky, she's also contemptuous of all things girly, or the homebody type of female.

And I'd read this books, write up a review or whatever, and check out other people's opinions (other reviews, or just you know, ask friends who've read them), and the general view is kind of like "gutsy female lead, strong, resilient"... that kind of thing, you know?

And it really irked me. Firstly, it just annoyed me that this was the type that got all the praise. What, so now girls have to be angry and masculine in order to be deemed 'respectable' female characters? I mean, to me, those characters were highly unlikeable personally, but now they were the role models for what the perfect female character was supposed to be.

Let me just say, I am not a 'girly girl'. I think I'm developing some 'girly girl' tendencies, 'cause, well, I'm a little more conscious about what I wear, and yesh, I do like pretty clothes, though perhaps not to the extreme of my sister, or feeling that desire to fit into the trends, or.... you know, I sound really defensive. And I'm digressing. 

But what I'm trying to say is, while I'm not into makeup and shoes and giggly-gossiping and shopping and checking out guys all the time, I don't begrudge that for other girls. Well, maybe the gossiping - sometimes I try to divert the topic and if it gets serious, I do start telling them off. BUT, generally speaking, if that's what they like, why should I be holding them in contempt? They're not hurting anyone. Except with the gossiping, maybe...

ANYWAY. The point is, the point is, when these female leads that I'm talking about start dissing the 'airheads' that are fashionable or lovestruck, I just get really annoyed. No, I mean, I wouldn't, if not for the fact that I've noticed it in multiple books this year and the last. If it was just one here or there, whatever, you know? But this is a pattern. A trend. An unhealthy one. That's mostly being applauded.

So yeah, I started getting really annoyed at this developing stereotype. And then I read that post by Derek Landy, and his Twitter-wife's article (although, admittedly, some of it was lost on me, because I'm not really familiar with all the superhero movie references she makes o.o), and I was just so pleased because they highlighted this issue, in their wise way, and did it without the raging and ranting that I would have done it with, and yeah. 

One of the messages is basically:

REMOVE THE LABELS. Let female characters be female characters. 

I mean, take Bella Swan. I remember, when I was in 'Camp Anti-Twilight', this girl on SW was doing a series of rants about different aspects of Twilight. And she was doing character focused ones, and when she got to Bella... well, you can imagine how much she had to say. Everyone has a lot to say. The common criticism is that she's weak (and angsty and annoying and co-dependant and pathetic and blahdiblahblah). This girl, doing her rants, was all like 'Bella is such a disgrace, while she so readily helps around the house and blah blah, you will never find her doing something that's not all wifey/motherly, you know, like painting a fence or something....".

And, even being in Camp Anti-Twilight, I still didn't really like that argument. Yes, Bella was angsty and all that jazz, but why the need to mention she doesn't do what she calls 'guy work'? So what? My older sister doesn't do guy work. She hates working outside the house. She hates getting her hands dirty. Big deal. I don't think that makes her a disgrace to womankind. And I don't think it's a crime to be weak, either. Boys and girls both can be weak, and in the name of making 'realistic' characters, why would it be such a bad thing to have a protagonist that was 'weak' in that way? 

""Strength" is one dimensional. It's saying "women can be strong like men", NOT "women are flawed, complex, brilliant, weak LIKE MEN."

(That being said, I'm still not a fan of Twilight, but to each his/her own *shrug*)

Also, that 'stereotype' that I mentioned was developing? I'm not really against it, in the sense that like Bella-Swan types of girls, there are obviously the angry-antisocial-tomboy types of girls too. I just want to remove this notion that they are the epitome of what the perfect female character - or female - should be. 

Really, read the blog post + the article. Much more worth reading than this post, for that matter x) 

Thoughts?

Okay, just some other things...

THE BOOK THIEF TRAILER CAME OUT!!! ZOMG. ZOMG. Okay. It's awesome. 

And you know, if you were thinking of Death, according to the amazing Markus Zusak: 

"…and I will just say to all the loyal readers out there who might be wondering if Death narrates the actual film, as he does in the book:

The answer is an emphatic

YES.

...

Just as he does in the book, Death will help look after us.

And he’ll do his very best."

 

Ummm... yeah. I have my first exam (French oral) on the 23rd of October o_o Scared. I donno. Everything's so close. Talking about the Valedictory dinner and the Farewell Assembly, getting the dates for final SACs, applying for universities, getting 'life talks'... it's just overwhelming. Trying not to think about it, but it just keeps coming back :/

Peace in,

Laila

The Bad News

You guys. You guys. *giggles like a little girl*

Actually, no. See, I have good news and bad news, but to combine everything in one post would probably make it so long that you'd fall asleep before you reached the end. So I'm going to do the bad news, because I don't like ending on a bad note... it's like going from Legal to History, for me. Also, if I delay the good news for a few days, I may have pictures to share. Maybe. *giggles again*

Okay, bad news. It's not really news, it's just...all my good spirits from yesterday were just crushed. Not completely, because everytime I think about yesterday I start getting floaty and airy fairy, but then I think of today and I just.... deflate. I should stop talking about the good news.

Um, my sister and I had a fight. This is not unusual, we always fight, but I feel like this one takes the cake because it's SO COMPLETELY UNFAIR. But I'm going to let you guys be the judge. Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here.

My sister does online tutoring. I think it's on every Sunday that she basically books sessions for the week, each one being 30min. I personally believes she takes on too many, or maybe I just don't like this idea of working for so long in front of a screen, but she loves her money. Whatever. 

Sometimes, she needs me to cover for her, because on top of the online tutoring, she does do face-to-face tutoring, and she also has uni and stuff. I really hate it; it just feels so impersonal with all these rules and regulations to deal with, and you know, I like to try get people to think more deeper or aim higher, whereas my sister keeps insisting that you just answer what you have to, and that's it. Also, I'm technically still in high school, so I feel like a cheat when someone logs in that's my age... like I don't really have the expertise to help them when I'm still on their level. And of course, there are times when people come on, sometimes uni students, and I have no idea what to do, and I really freak out. It's just so... stressful.

But anyhow, when my sister asks me to do it, for all my whining and whinging, I always do it. Whether or not she decides to compensate me for my time in, I do it because... well, let me be honest here: I fear her wrath. When she's mad, she's like a raging bull with anger-management issues that woke up on the wrong side of the paddock and then someone decided to poke him in the butt. Yep. And, also, I know it's important to her, and the management can get tetchy if you're late or you miss a session... so yeah. I do it. Always. Got that?

So on Sunday, my sister walked into my room and told me that at 4 o'clock, she needed me to cover for her because she was going to be out - well, she'd be on her way home, but she wasn't sure she'd make it on time. So basically, I'd have to cover for her for the first 10 or 15min.

Now, for some inexplicable reason, I thought she was talking about tomorrow - i.e. Monday. I really don't know why, but that was what was in my head. And on Monday, I had my own tutoring client from 4 to 5, and it's not the kind where I can multi-task - we're pretty much engaged the whole time. 

So I was like nononononononono, I can't.

And she was like pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

And I was like nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

And she was like pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseI'llpayyouplease.

And I was like Ihateyou.

And she was like pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

And I was like fine. I'll try. (Think it in a really brattish tone. That's how it was said.)

Right. So I made a mental note that at 4pm tomorrow, I'd have to log in to her tutoring thing.

Of course, we've established by now that she actually meant that very day, as in Sunday, but I didn't know that because my stupid brain said Monday. And that evening was rather lovely, so I went for a bike ride, and I came back at about 4:15pm and as soon as I walked into the kitchen, my cousin had an evil grin, and he made that BOOM gesture with his hands. My mother arched her eyebrows and shook her head. I thought, as usual, she'd had a fight with someone else in the family.

"What happened?" I whispered.

"What did you do?" my cousin whispered back.

I was so confused. Eventually, my mother explained about how apparently I'd agreed to tutor that day and blahblahblah. You know. So I went to my room, unbuckling the helmet, wondering what to do. I was going to go an apologise and explain right away, but I know my sister, and when she's mad, you don't reason with her.

When she's mad, she's vicious. She has hit me and violently shoved me about - and I'm not talking about when we were little, but I mean, in the recent years. I have many bad memories of her rage. I remember once - when I was about 11 - I had gotten this new paint set and spent the whole day working on this dophin picture. In a split second of anger - for what reason, I can't remember - she marched into my room when I'd left, ripped it up into shreds and threw it in the bin. Oh my God, it's depressing me even now o_o

Basically, she's the shoot-first-ask-questions-later kind of person. So I thought to myself, I'll give it a little time, let her cool down, see how she is when she comes out of the computer room.

Then my little sister, Number 3, came in, and being the little gossip she is, started filling me in on the tirade I missed. Apparently I was called a 'selfish... [insertwordthatstartwith'b'andrhymeswithwitch]'. Now, you guys should know I don't swear, and it's generally a no-no in our house. So her using that means she was really really mad.... so I thought, um, maybe give it a day.

I was also irked. Those charming words she used to describe me basically means she thought I had intentionally decided to put aside her request just 'because'... like I just wanted to provoke her for the fun of it. Clearly, as mentioned before, she's INSANE when she's mad, so why the heck would I do that? Seriously. In terms of the household hierarchy, I'm her doormat. I'm so passive it's not even funny. So okay, she's mad, but does she honestly think I'd have the brave to defy her just like that?

And, also, where's my motive? We've been on good terms for a while, why would I do that anyway? I'm not self-destructive, or a hell-raiser.

But I thought, hey, she's mad, she's probably not thinking logically. A day it is.

My dad did ask me, on the spot, if I had in fact promised to take on her shift and all, and I explained what happened, and then he, in turn, explained it to her... but all was quiet.

She didn't speak to me all week. 

Now, I got told off for not trying to make it up with her, my dad being all like 'why aren't you talking to your sister? Blahblahblahblah....'

And I have to say, I'm not not talking to her. I'm just waiting for her to talk to me. As soon as she does, that's it. I'm not holding any grudges, I understand the situation. The reason I'm not talking to her is because I don't understand the extent of her anger, and if she's really that mad, trying to talk to her will only result in my death, or something.

So then come yesterday. The Good News Day. Confronted with some external company, we exchanged words, if awkwardly, and I thought, this is good. We've made up. Things can go back to how it is.

Come today. We're still a bit awkward, but we're still exchanging words. It could only get better.

After I came back from tuition, Star invited me for a bike ride. That's when I noticed my helmet was missing.

Okay, it's not strictly mine, it's hers. But she said I could keep it in my room ages ago, because I ride my bike more often anyhow, and I always thought it was a joint thing. Thought.

I searched high and low, and I couldn't find it, even though it's not like some mystery where I keep it. It's always on the highest shelf on my desk. Then I thought, well, there's a chance my sister may have gone on a bike ride when I was at school or something, maybe she kept it in her room. So I went in there, and after a bit of poking about... I found it. It was in her closet, right there, tucked into one of her clothes' shelves. Then I got a little shifty feeling. Okay, she might have gone for some bike ride, but why would she take the effort to really tuck that helmet so deeply in there?

[I would also like to take a moment to stress that going through each other's rooms is not in itself out of bounds. We usually go by the sisterly laws of sharing all our clothes, so we go in out of each other's closets all the time without asking.]

And then I thought... well, maybe she's really still mad, and the awkwardness is just that she's trying to appease my father. So I thought I'd test this out. I got dressed to go, and then I went to her and asked her if she'd seen the helmet. She said no.

Well, there you have it.

In my head, I kind of exploded. I just couldn't believe after all this time, she was still mad at me for a basic misunderstanding. And now, on top of that, she was lying to me.... I mean, okay, that's not something new, people lie all the time. But this is me knowing she's lying. It made me sick.

I put on my headscarf, marched to her room, got the helmet out, marched back to her, and said: 'Funny how you don't know where it is, but it's right there in your room.'

(Now that I think about it, that was a dangerous move to make o.o )

'I don't think you should be using that,' my sister said, with this twisted smile on her face. I expected more anger, but she just had this kind of careless expression.

'We had an agreement,' I said, and I could feel myself starting to tear up. I had to meet Star in 5min, so I started stalking towards the door.

'Excuse me, that's my helmet that I bought,' she hissed, and followed me to the door. I whirled around to face her.

'Can I just ask you something?' I said, while she said 'Give me my helmet.' Knowing there was no point requesting permission, I ploughed ahead. 'Why are you mad at me?'

'Because you ditched my tutoring thing on Sunday,' she said (or something to that effect, can't remember the words).

'Didn't you hear dad?' I cried. 'It was a mistake. I thought you meant Monday. Why are you mad at me for a misunderstanding? I didn't MEAN IT!'

'And yet you sabotaged my tutoring,' she snapped. At this point, my mother was just telling me to ignore her and go, and my dad was telling her to calm down, and she just strode off, saying: 'Enjoy that bike ride, it's going to be your last.'

Okay, I went outside, I bawled for like two minutes, and forced myself to stop because I don't like crying around friends. And when I got to our meeting place, Star was late so I unburdened my woes on my favourite black horse. And the bike ride we went for was 14km, which is like a stroll to the mailbox and back for Star, but was just... like walking to the other side of Australia and back for me. My thighs are burning, but it feels so good in a way, and I guess all the endorphins that were released helped me to sit down and write this without bawling ^_^

Anyhow, how is that fair? SABOTAGE? REALLY? I DIDN'T MEAN IT. I HAVE NO REASON TO DO STUPID MEAN THINGS LIKE THAT. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE. Isn't ONE ENTIRE WEEK a little too much anger for one tiny misunderstanding?? Am I in the wrong? You can be honest. 

Also, remember in some earlier posts I promised a good whinge? Well, this is it. Really, I could have started this from the beginning of this year, of all the ways she's been upsetting me, and just in that time frame this post could go on forever. It's just... everytime we go through some bad bit, I manage to get over it and think that it's not worth immortalising on the net. But then we hit another wall, and seriously, she's driving me to a breaking point. My sister seems to be the source of 90% of my woes. She's so mean and domineering and aggressive and scary and only for the sake of Allah do I love her, because everything else about her really makes me sick. Okay, she does have her good points, but it's the millions of bad points that ingrain themselves into my mind. 

I can't wish bad things on others, and I'm pretty sure it's wrong to anyhow, which is why I've taken to making a Very Good Wish for her, one that she wants very badly too: I really hope she gets married and just GOES AWAY.

A happier post ahead, insha'allah, guys (:

Peace in,
Laila

Liebstered.

I got tagged! Or awarded? Liebstered. What does that even mean?
...

Google told me it meant 'dearest', in German. Why thank you, Talita ;)

Before I embark on this epic expedition... I will tell you about my Valentines Day adventure. No, I do not celebrate, and don't worry, I hath no rants about this :P So don't blow up my comments section.

Anywho, basically, Star had a dream.

She had this idea that she wanted to make roses for all the girls in our year level. Origami, of course. And I'd do my usual duty of painting them, and everyone would be happy. This was our plan - but mostly hers, as you can see - from last year. We discussed it, experimented, and it mutated into such a way that roses were out of the question - 'twould be flowers instead - and we'd do it anonymously. We didn't want our peers to know, because neither of us know how to handle compliments - well, okay, I don't know what to do with compliments, and I'm just guessing she's the same. So we had to get the teachers in on this, and we figured our legal teacher, Ms D, would do it for us. But it felt weird saying 'hey, we're making flowers for the girls in our year level, can you hand them out?' So we decided to base it on the excuse of Valentines Day, because Ms D happens to be one of those really excited about it, and we figured no one would really question that.

So it happened. We made 77 flowers, for all the girls in our year level, and handed it to Ms D in a basket the day before.

Note: walking into your average high school carrying a basket right out of Little Red Riding Hood is not exactly inconspicuous.

But it was an emergency, okay?

They look better in real life

Never trust baskets. Ever. Not even the Basket of Love.

So yes, the teachers handed them out at assembly, raving on about how nice and lovely those two anonymous peers of your year level are, and for some INEXPLICABLE reason (damn that basket!), the word started getting around it was us. Well sort of.

See, the problem was, people kept assuming it was me. J Turtle was like: 'you're the only one I know whose humble enough to do this anonymously!'

And so it went, and I just have to say, I DON'T GET IT.

I am not a nice person. I wouldn't say I'm... malicious. But I'm the kind of person who insults my friends for fun, more than I cuddle them. I have this completely non-sentimental persona at school, and I successfully convinced a few people that I was incapable of feeling. I donno, it's fun. I get along with people, I do, but I just don't have the sweet personality at school. I just prefer keeping people at bay, so some people see me as reserved, and my friends see me as a bit of a raving lunatic.

SO WHERE DID THIS IDEA COME FROM?

I usually wouldn't care so much, but it upset me because it was 90% Star. She came up with the idea. She made it happen. I'm just a side-kick. I do have nice ideas... sometimes... but I'm one of those people who don't put much into making them happen. Star is amazing though, and she wasn't getting enough credit for it, and no matter what I said to people, she kept throwing it back at me, so that people just thought we were both being really humble, but seriously, it was more her. Arrr.

But nevertheless, I know that I know this, so I'll find a way of making sure it goes appreciated.

SO....LIEBSTER TIME.

The rules:

1.     Give 10 random facts about myself.

2.     Answer the questions given to me by my wonderful nominators.

3.     Nominate 11 bloggers with less than 200 followers.

4.     Write 11 questions for them to answer.

Facts about myself:

1. I am not a nice person. I hit people, sometimes.

2. My English teacher said I have a special talent for insulting people without them knowing it... (he said it in more sophisticated words).

3. I absolutely hate being in photos. Even if you used your incredibly stalkerish skills to find out who I really am, you would have great difficulty finding a recent, complete picture of myself.

4. I measured my eyelash once. It was 1cm.

5. I don't know how to swim. But I don't drown either.

6. Um... I like horses.

7. Oh, I once took a test, and I said my favourite animal is a tiger, because it's regal, lithe and powerful... and apparently this is what I will be looking for in a spouse o.O

8. Books sometimes annoy me because they're so much more fun than my life. I end up craving near-death experiences.

9. My mother thinks I'm special... Okay, she didn't say that, but I know I'm her favourite.

10. I talk to my cat when he's sleeping. Then I listen to his heartbeat. I know it's creepy.

Now the questions...

1. Sweatpants or jeans?

 I don't have sweatpants, I think o.o Jeans, I guess.

2. Your reaction when you get caught in the rain without an umbrella.

Tongue out and all x) J'adore the rain. 

3. The phone's ringing, someone just rang the doorbell, the baby is crying and the tap is overflowing. In which order would you tackle these?

... I would give the phone to the baby and put him/her in the sink. Then I would open the door and say 'I'm sorry, we're not available right now, please leave a message, after the beep.' Then I would shut the door and go crawl under a bed.

4. Something you absolutely cannot bear and something you love in a person.

Wait... so you hate and you love the same thing? Or two separate? I'ma go with separate. Umm... I donno how to explain this, but there are people who are just so... genuine. Genuinely kind, sweet, nice. Love them. Like my cousin :)

And I hate... self-obsessed people. Well, I don't hate them, but it really annoys me when people spend so much time looking at themselves in the mirror, or taking selfies. I donno. 

5. Coolest job ever according to you?

OH. I have this friend, I don't know what she does exactly, but it has something to do with working at the YA sector of the state library, and she coordinates events relating to it, she gets to interview YA authors, and they send her their books before they're even released. She's living The Life.

6. One thing on your bucket list.

Macarons. I have to try them.

7. Pirates or ninjas? Why?

 I WON'T! I WON'T CHOOSE! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

8. Current ear-worm or stuck-in-my-head song.

 Though admittedly, I heard this version first... donno which one I like better.

9. How many kids(if any) do you want to have?
I don't usually think about the actual process of baby-making, so that's why I say As Many As Possible. But when I get to thinking about it... the hows and all... that answer may change... o.o

10.Is Pluto a planet according to you?
:O You even ASK?  A LE DUH. Of course Pluto is a planet. And don't you dare doubt it, or I'll sock you.

11.What would you rather be doing now?

... If I had something I'd rather be doing, then I'd probably be doing it ^_^ Unless it was something not accessible... like climbing a volcano. I'd like that.

My nominees...
(and like Talita said on hers, if you don't want to make up a whole post, you can answer in the comments... or not at all. Just be honoured (: )

1. Linchy... donno what to link to, so you can leave one in the comments :P
2. Arvie. Can't link her, 'cause she's private.
3. Ali. Can't link him, 'cause he's private too.
4. Meliiii.....  ^_^
5. Deserae (: My writing buddy. 
6. PurpleMist... doesn't blog enough.
7. Fathi... doesn't blog at all anymore :( Where'd you go? 
8. Hanis...just because she deserves an award.
9. Arianna... one of the most determined people I've ever met.
10. Bethany... she's too funny. I need to see her answers x)
11. Dazzling Mage... she's so booky :)

And yo questions:
1. A book that made you [want to?] throw it across the room?
2. What was the last lie you told? (assuming you have lied :P )
3. How long is your thumb?
4. What did you eat for breakfast four days ago?
5. Have you ever done something violent? If so, what didja do?   
6. What's under your bed?
7. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear 'kangaroo'?
8. What happens to Pinocchio when he says 'I'm lying'?
9. Can you stand on your head without leaning against anything?
10. When was the last time you climbed a tree?
11. When someone asks you to tell them about yourself, what do you say?
      
Peace in,
Laila