Welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel

It's all so very paradoxical.

You're relieved it's over, and you can't believe it had to end.

You practically handed him the break up, but you can't understand why he took it.

You know that the best way for you to move on is to put him behind you, but you can't stop thinking about him.

You tell him you're not ready to talk, to see him, but you keep wanting, wishing, hoping he'll text, call, appear. Why won't he text?

You know it would never have worked out anyway, but you can still imagine the perfect future you could have had.

You want him to get a new girl, so that there would be some definite closure, and yet you know you'll be crushed the moment he has someone new in his life.

You try make him the bad guy, but all you can think of is how good he was.

You want to blame him, but you can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with you. 
You hope he rots, but you can't help worry for him. I keep thinking about how cold you must be. Are you cold? Is that stupid?

For the first time in your life, you can relate to your music - depressing love songs, achey heartbreaky stuff - but you don't want to.

Why won't it just end?

Why would you ask to still be friends? Why wouldn't you think, just for one moment, how that's going to leave me? 

Why am I glad that you did?

Don't you see what you've done?

I would just like to get through one day without thinking about this. Just one. 

Peace in, 
Laila

Jazz's Prerequisites for a Solid Relationship

I think of my friend as a smart cookie. While she can appear to be a glitzy type of girl, she's quite perceptive, and I hold her in high esteem. She's been in two relationships.

The first has become a sort of joke to us. The guy was a professed Nazi. He was racist. He was racist against Asians, and technically, she's half Asian. How, we wonder. How on Earth do you justify sticking to that kind of guy?

We laugh about it, but her answer is basically: "Well, I didn't know beforehand. But then, when we were together, I just, I believe that once you get into a relationship, you stick to it and try to make it work no matter what."

She's a nice kind of girl.

Anyway, they were together for quite a while, I'd say over 5 months. It broke down because of time. He didn't make time for her. It sounds pathetic, but from what I was told, I think it was a fair reason. She tried so hard to make it easy for him, she was willing for them to just have a phone call a fortnight. Generous? I think so. But he couldn't do it. It ended hard. Even though she initiated it, she didn't want it to end, but he didn't fight for it. So it was over.

Her second guy. He's a weird story. He swept her off her feet in this whirlwind romance. Drive in cinema. Late nights at the park. Christmas dinner, and holidaying, with his family. $200 ring, then a $500 ring as a present in advance - he told her about it, but said that her friend had said it would be weird to give her two rings, so he withheld it. But he said that he didn't know if he could afford it in the future, so he was buying it now, just in case. He said he hoped they'd spend many Christmases together.

Oh, there were many romanticky words.

Even the big ILoveYou.

And then, just 20 days after, he drove up to her house, uncalled for, and announced that they were over because he 'just didn't feel it anymore'. No other explanation. No gradual break down. No other woman. Just like that.

Mind you, that relationship was only about 2 months long. I didn't realise it was that short, or I might've been more skeptical at the start.

Needless to say, it gutted her. She has been listless ever since, swinging between the extremes of 'what a complete a**hole', to 'what did I do wrong? what's wrong with me?' It gutted me too, because I hate seeing her this way. Putting aside typical insecurities, she's usually very well put together. I think she's a good role model. But now she's so broken, in a way. I have spent many a late night on my phone, or long hour at uni, hearing her out and trying to make her understand that sometimes people do selfish or inconsiderate things, and it's no one's fault, and there's nothing wrong with her. It always only works temporarily. The other day she told me that every day when she gets up, she has to convince herself that it wasn't her fault, or she can't get through the day. She said that she feels like he took her self-esteem with him. Ouch. It hurts my soul, and don't ask me for explanations, but I kind of know where she's coming from.

It's also added to my growing trust issues with the opposite gender. Sorry guys, but your record with the people I know isn't very impressive. Work on it.

But anyway, the one thing good about Jazz getting pensive is that she spouts out some wise and wonderful stuff. And this, my silent friends, is one of those thoughts. Of course, we discussed this, so this is kind of the refined version, but all credit to her :)

So what this is is kind of the foundations of what you need to establish when you're looking to get into an official relationship. It's not about the personal preference stuff, what to look for in the opposite gender, stuff to do with qualities. It's kind of neutral to that sort of thing. This is just to establish if you have the baseline to continue.

Of course these are just ideas, a hypothesis that hasn't been tested formally. But it sounds all right to me. It really just feels like common sense, but I guess when you get into the high, 'love is blind' and all that, you forget these basics. Make what you will of them. Here goes.

#1: Time.
The funny thing is, to be in a relationship, you actually have to be with that person. Physically. For regular periods of time. What 'regular' is is subjective, as is how much time is enough, but essentially, if you are never with a person, you guys are not in a relationship. In the average relationship, if one person doesn't make time, the other person will eventually go crazy. This is not just my friend's relationship. In Freedom Writers, that's what happened Erin Gruwell, and honestly, she was keeping kids in school. Still, you can't blame her man either. If you can't help it, you can't help it. So get it straight before you get into one.

#2: Fixer vs. Replacer
There are many kinds of people in the world. There are two kinds of people we're concerned with. The fixers are devoted to trying to make a relationship work, even when it hits the rocks. The replacers believe that when the going gets tough, it's best to get going and find someone else. Whatever, okay? I'm not here to point fingers. But what you need to understand is that fixers and replacers do not go together. In the event of a conflict, both react to it differently, and basically, a replacer will end up destroying a fixer. Let's say it's not personal. But it'll still hurt. That's not to say all fixers will fix every relationship they're in and get on with it. It just means they'll try harder. You need to decide where you are on that spectrum.

#3: Flaws.
I have always thought that relationships are not so much about finding the perfect person, but finding the person whose flaws you can live with. I think that might be a paraphrase of a quote, but I'm not sure. Anyway. I guess this speaks for itself. However, it might be problematic when you only become aware of these flaws after you dive deep into the relationship, when you put a ring on it or something. So the way you try to get around it is this: when you think that is it, this is where you want to get serious, you sit down and think to yourself - what don't I like this about this person? And you do not stop thinking until you find something. Maybe you need to quiz him/her, but you find something. You ask them to do the same for you. You establish exactly what you hate about each other, and then you decide, in advance, if you can stand them. It's not foolproof - you're still bound to come up with other stuff later on. But hopefully you can cover some of your biggest pet peeves.

#4: What? 
One of my favourite quotes from The Little Prince is: Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but looking outward together in the same direction. The reality is, if you intend to spend forever with someone, you have to make sure you have the same idea of what forever is. To some, it means 4 kids. To others, it means no kids. To some it means a ring on a finger. To others it needs no labels. I mean, maybe one of you doesn't even want a forever, in any way. So there are two parts to this. One: contrary to #3, what exactly do you like about this person? If all you can come up with is 's/he's a hottie', then perhaps you need to reconsider taking a serious step. Two: what are your goals

You know what? This. Is. All. Complete. And. Utter. BS.

You can pretend like you can plan ahead and prevent conflicts. You can act like you know all the necessary rules and principles to deal with problems. You can act like things like compromise, and talking about your feelings, and all that crap, can result in some kind of forever.

But you cannot control people. You cannot help the moment when they change their mind and decide they don't like you anymore. You cannot help it if they decide that the relationship you have is not worth fighting for anymore. You cannot stop them if they decide to leave you behind. And there's nothing you can do if they take your stupid heart with them. 

Really, the only thing people should keep in mind is that when someone decides to entrust you with their heart, and you accept, you have a responsibility. And it's freaking huge. Don't screw up.

But the key word there is 'should'. 

People should throw their rubbish in the bin. People should be loyal in relationships. People should refrain from murder.

And yet, there's rubbish on the streets, infidelity is rife, and we still have murderers in the world. So I guess it's okay to screw up someone's heart.

Peace in,
Laila

These are the things that Laila misses

Stones and bones;
snow and frost;
seeds and beans and polliwogs.
Paths and twigs, assorted kisses,
We all know who Susie misses...

- The Lovely Bones, Alice Sebold

I miss having a purpose. I don't really miss school as it is - I wouldn't go back to the classes, the stress of SACs and exams, the pressure of expectations, not only because others want you to do well but because you want to do well, and 'well' had to be an exceptional score. But I miss the routine, the going, the knowing what I had to do in order to achieve something. I miss the nudges to stick to the path, I miss the short-term goals that led up to the long-term one, and there was always that impending feeling... it's coming... closer and closer... we're almost there. My routine now is wake up around 8am, feed my cats, go for a bike ride, and... a question mark. Nothing. A wait. I read a bit, I talk to my cousins and sister, we go a-walking, we go places, or we don't, and it just feels like circles. 

It's not that I don't have anything to do. I already mentioned that to-do list that I'm sort of working my way through. University stuff... cat stuff (still have to find two homes, prepare for the second litter, and then organise the desexing :/ )... bank/work stuff... learning to drive... artsy stuff... But there's no drive. It's gone. It's not that I don't want to go to university, or I'm not that excited. I'm just... distracted by the Nothing that's going on.

I miss the effect of prayer. Back in the day, when I had things to do, and prayer was neatly fitted into my timetable, it had an effect. Sure, as the average human, I'd get distracted every now and then. Despite that, having these goals, having a purpose, knowing what I wanted specifically, I had this need to concentrate. I know that sounds so superficial - you want something from God, you pay attention, but when you don't, you forget Him - but I was motivated, and I'd put in everything into concentrating, into knowing what I was saying rather than mindlessly rambling away in Arabic, and there was always this feeling of fulfillment afters. Of satisfaction. Maybe the feeling of being purified or something. But in this weird haze that I'm living in, as I said... I'm distracted by the nothing. I forget to concentrate, and only when I'm finished I curl up in a ball and pray to have it back. 

I miss being a kid. Cheesy, I know. The other day we went to my cousins' house, and I took the littlies to the park. I don't think I ever stopped swinging, but since I've 'grown up', I haven't done the monkey bars. I had a go at them that afternoon, and owwww, it killed, but damn it felt good. I did them twice over, because for once they were high enough so that my feet couldn't touch the ground anyway. I remember in the early years of primary school, how agile we were, how flexible, how much energy we had, as we fearlessly climbed onto the top, flipped over, shamelessly showing off our cute little potbellies. I remember running my fingers over the hardened ridge of blisters on the underside of our hands. We were so tough. And now my hands feel so soft, and it makes me sad. 

I miss singing at the top of my lungs. When I use the word 'singing', of course, I'm using it rather loosely based on what I intend to do, because you know, realistically I can't actually sing. At the beach the other day, I encouraged my little sister to sing 'Let it Go' from Frozen as loudly as she could from the bathroom, and I joined in of course, because I was shielded from the 'audience' in my little shower stall. We ended up starting a sing-a-long with some random little girls that I never got to meet, because they left by the time we got out. But it was a great feeling, until my cousin mentioned that they could hear us outside the bathroom. I used to do it at home, vacuuming, as I once mentioned before, but apparently people can hear me when I do. I'm embarrassed to do it around my cousins, or maybe I just want to spare them the agony, and so I can't do it anymore. But the urge to just let it rip, let it go (see what I did there?), is always there. Just waiting.

I miss the way my family used to be, before the financial crisis. Sure, we weren't exactly Full House warm and fuzzy, but the fights used to be the exception, and it wasn't always so dismal. It goes like this: my father, when we're driving, or just chilling at home, will start lecturing on something to do with using too much electricity or water or just the cost of living in general, and how everything is very bad right now, we need to be careful. When I need something to be bought, I'll mention it to my mother. She'll ask my why I don't ask my dad, and I'll say that I don't want to stress him out. So, because she loves us, she'll go tell him to tone down the lectures because clearly they stress all of us out. Lo and behold: explosion. Tears. My dad will turn on us and start on the appreciation/gratitude speech: Don't I buy everything you need? Have I ever denied you anything? Are you stressed? Why is she saying you're stressed? We're okay, okay? I'm just reminding you not to be wasteful. Nobody is grateful in this house, blah, blah, blah... We robotically agree with him. Finit.

What makes me sad is that for so long we have wanted extended family. For so. Damn. Long. And after all the years of prayer, God, as He does, grants our dua like a backhanded compliment. Sure, you can have your cousins, but I'm going to send them over at the worst possible time, when you're in the deepest of ditches. Because Allah tests those He loves the most, and He never gives you a burden you can't bear. Without those two bits of gold... so help me, I don't know where I'd be.

But my cousins will eventually move out, and I'm stuck because I selfishly want them to stay, but I know it's hard for them to stay because they have to deal with a lot of crap in our house, and so even I think they should go, but then I don't want them to because I want them here and I want it to be Full House.

I miss writing stories. I miss the brief glimpses of ideas that'd flit through my mind, that I'd latch onto, and think and think and think, and come up with something that I'd love for a while and hate later. The many empty notebooks that pervade my desk mock me.

And I miss people. I miss the people at school that I never really spoke to, that I don't even really want to speak to, that I probably never will speak to. I miss their presence, their predictability, their familiarity. Until university starts, I have no established social life, and it feels... lonely. I miss seeing my friends regularly at school, and somehow we always had things to talk about, but now, in all the nothing, even though Star doesn't live so far away, I can't bear to always see her, because sometimes I just don't know what to say. And I don't like texting people. I'm sick of texting my other friends. I want to see them in person, and I want to do things, but everyone's so busy or they have strict families or it's just too hard so all we have is texting and I hate it. I miss my extended family. I haven't Skyped with my favourite cousin or aunt in ages, and I know they're busy, they have kids, my cousin's brother is joining her in Dubai, they too have lives, but I wish I was a part of their lives too. I've upgraded to Whatsapp, because a few more of my cousins and nieces have that, and it's great because they spam me with their photos, but I miss the conversations, where we actually exchange meaningful words and sentences, but they just don't do that over text, and they're so far away, and they're growing up, and there's more of them, and I'm not there and once again, I'm not a part of their lives, and I don't know how to be. I miss my online friends, our superdy long conversations, always random and funny, but also with a lot of soul. My soul, anyhow. I miss Sam, I miss Arvie... I worry for Arvie, because I haven't heard from her since the typhoon in the Philippines, and I'm only taking solace in that it's a question mark too. I miss Meli, I miss Ali, I miss that world.

I realise I may have come across as depressed, but honestly, I'm not really. A lot of this is just whinging, isn't it? I mentioned I have things to do, and some other stuff is just cliché and nostalgia that makes an appearance every now and then. So if you feel the need to console, don't worry about it ^_^ It's what happens when you have too much time. C'est la vie, this too shall pass, life goes on.

This song breaks my heart. I love it so much, I play it on repeat, and I don't know why, because it's not like I've ever experienced 'love'. But I wonder, when it comes to a relationship, whether I'd be the giving tree, or the person who cuts it down to a stump. I don't want to be a stump, nor do I want to be the person who sits on it. 

I wonder if it has to be that way. But then I think of good ol' Jodi Picoult's quote about a relationship never being 50-50, how there's always someone who loves the person a leetle bit more. I wonder...

... too much time -_-'

Peace in,
Laila

My Top Ten Under-Appreciated Books

HOLA PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET!

It has sort of been a while, hasn't it? Firstly it was because there was always Something to Do.

By this I mean, what with two cousins plus my sister back, the weather quite fine, we just kept going out, out, out. Nothing particularly grand - I did A Thousand Steps for the first time, we went to the city to eat, we went on many walks, we played badminton, we just... do stuff.

But the last few days have seen me stuck in a lackadaisical limbo. Not even - more like a lethargic limbo. It has been HAWT. The week has averaged 40 degrees celsius so far. Although we all get together and have awesome conversations, I try to stay clear of the good ol' computer, because the aircon happens to not reach it. 

Today though, the uni offers came out, so I was forced to come on, and I thought I'd do a pit stop and write something. Here it is.

At some point during last year, my friend at The Loony Teen Writer wrote this blog listing a number of her 'under appreciated' books, which I thought was a brilliant idea and I said that I would do the same at some point. I figured this is as good a point as any.

But first, allow me to define what I mean by 'under-appreciated'. Basically, these are the books that you think (or I think) do not get the credit they deserve. Maybe the kind of books that you mention amongst a group of readers and you get the 'say whaaa?' reaction, because no one ever seems to have heard of it. Maybe something you think is amazing and you just cannotbelievethatTwilightbecamethathugeandthisdidn't (sorry Twilight). Maybe it's just something that has the potential to be huge, but for some inexplicable reason, is not getting the attention it deserves yet. Maybe its something that has less than 1000 reviews on Goodreads, when you think it deserves like 63,745 more.

So really, it's not a restricted thing. Just the books you think deserve a little more love than they get. So here goes, and they're not in a particular order or anything:

#1: First, I'm going to refer you back to my first ever 'These Are My Favourite Things', where I named a book called Dirty Magic, by Carol Hughes.  I luhhhhhh-v this book. Okay, that was stupid, clearly this is about books I love. Huh, whatever. All I can say is that it has nothing to do with witches and wizards and that kind of hocus pocus (the title still baffles me), but it's really innocent but powerful...

#2: The Clockwork Forest, by Doug MacLeod - or anything by him, really. The guy is funny, hilarious, in a really simple kind of way.  This one I'm referring to is just weird with a fantastical edge to it, but not something completely outrageous. Okay, in general, his books are a little bit very-young-adult, but I think you can appreciate it if you're older too - they're just fun and lighthearted. Two more I recommend are The Life of a Teenage Body-Snatcher and Siggy and Amber.



#3: The Year the Gypsies Came , by Linzi Glass. I guess this is a pretty dark kind of story, and pretty darn tragic. I got teary - well, as teary as I get when it comes to fiction. That's one reason I'm recommending it, that it ripped out my heart and broke it for a while, and the other reason is because it's set in South Africa. And it's also a bit close to home for me, but I'll keep that out of this.







 
#4: Siege, by Sarah Mussi. Oh. My. God. This book is scary good. Scary and good. What really intrigued me was how the issues loaded into it are so relevant to what happens in the world today. Poverty, lack of education, government conspiracy stuff... what freaked me out were those shootings that happened this year, in Kenya I think? At the mall? I felt like in a way, it panned out like this story. In a way, because the perspective of this novel is from the inside. It's fast-paced, intense, emotionally draining stuff, but it's also very quick, and leaves you with a lot of questions about today. A lot of the Goodreads reviews said it was really violent, which it is... but not dramatically so, in the sense that I don't think it's any more than plenty of other novels. Plus, most of them seem to come from concerned mothers. So don't worry - just read it already o_o

#5: Alif the Unseen, by G.W. Wilson. Okay, it's got quite a few reviews on Goodreads, I think... I donno what makes a book famous on Goodreads, actually, but 5000+ seems pretty good. But I don't think that's good ENOUGH, OKAY? This book is by a Muslim author, it is freaking epicus. Like nothing I've read from Muslim authors. It's adventurous and exciting and fantasical and amazing, and of course, there's that teeny element of truth to it all. It doesn't feel preachy, it's not about Muslim teenagers with their angsty identity crises - okay, I guess that's unfair, maybe a lot of Muslim youth need that stuff. But I've always wished for something where one's religious identity is not the foundation of the problem in the plot. It's one of my favourite books everrrr.

#6: Act of Faith, by Kelly Gardiner. It's historical fiction, set in the 1600s, where the Spanish Inquisition rules and censoring rife. It's just about books, really, and words, and how powerful they are no matter how you try to burn them. I don't know why, but the book is really resonant and intriguing, and I do have a thing for historical fiction, and this is a setting I haven't encountered before... there's just something about it. It's part of a series/trilogy, but honestly, you can just read it standalone and it's great :)




#7: Friday Brown, by Vikki Wakefield. Side note: I met her, I conversed with her like a Normal Person, and I love her. That is all. This book, it's Australian contemporary, it's dark, it is heart rending, it has these absolutely beautiful descriptions - almost poetry, really. It's about a kind of underbelly, it's adventurous, it gets downright ugly. It's a heart breaker. It's something that you might find difficult to love at first - in fact, you may be annoyed or disgusted - but once you finish it's unforgettable.




#8: Where the Streets had a Name, by Randa Abdel-Fattah. Remember I mentioned those books about angsty Muslims with identity crises? Yeah, Randa Abdel-Fattah does a lot of that, but I still love her for it. We need that every now and again, right? But this story isn't about that. It's set between Palestine and Israel, but it's not really political... it just has this innocent perspective that I like, I guess.



 #9: My Life As An Alphabet, by Barry Jonsberg. Another incredibly funny story, and sweet, and innocent, and unique, and quick, and cute, and I can't believe it only has 95 reviews. What is that?! 







#10: .... I can't find 10. My bad.

But the point of this is to get you to try read stuff that I don't think is read enough, and if I overwhelm you (if you're anything like me), you may not end up trying to read any of it. So yeah. This is me spreading the love. Do you guys have any under-appreciated books you want me to show a little love to?

Peace in,
Laila

Wedding Bells

So much for the 'I'm-going-to-post-random-stuff-to-get-into-the-Ramadan-spirit' thing. Um. Excuses. I've been tired. I've been busy. I've been... really really tired. And admittedly, this was not such a great Ramadan for me, so far. It was really a slap in the face to be told we were already in the last 10 days o.o I'm usually much better, but this time I let it slip away :/ Insha'allah I'll get another year.

Anyhow, another reason why I didn't post was because I was waiting for a certain event, and... erm, it took some time. About a week or two after my last post, my cousins' babies were due. One was on time, the other was a whole week late. Then, because I had photos for the first, I wanted to have photos for the second, but alas, it hasn't happened. But whatever. Let me introduce to you...

Little Miss Japan: Sara

 Très adorable, non? And a week later (although he was due a day earlier), Little Mr Dubai was born. I have no pictures, nor have I a name, but I'm superdy excited all the same. I love it when our already huge family grows x) I love being an aunt a million times over.

I wonder if you remember this one? From ayyyges ago?

Anyhow, this isn't about my incredibly awesome perpetually expanding family. This is, as you may have guessed by the title, about marriage. And it may seem ... not that important, during this month, but I believe there's a hadith somewhere that says marriage is half your deen? In which case, this ia very relevant ^_^

I decided to do this post 'cause I had an Interesting Conversation with Linchy yesterday, and it also brought back to mind many things I've made Mental Notes about, to mention, but never got around to doing. Well, here it is.

So basically, 95% of my family has been hitched by semi-arranged marriage.

... okay, first, lemme make the distinctions here. Arranged marriage is when your family/parents pick who you're marrying, you don't get a say, it's just a done deal.

Semi-arranged is when your family/parents present you with potential spouse after potential spouse, but ultimately, you make the decision from who they present.

And, erm, love marriage, well, I guess that speaks for itself ^_^

Also, I don't think I'm going to be saying anything controversial, but JUST IN CASE, these opinions are MY OWN. I am not seeking to shove this down anyone's throat, kapisce?

Anyway. from what I know (and I rarely get to be overseas when there is a wedding in my family), we have one 'love' marriage in my family. A cousin of mine was the pretty girl walking home from school, her hubby-to-be was the handsome guy playing cricket along the road, they saw each other, sparks flew, and they approached the parents for a marriage, by way of doing it 'right'. 

It was not met well, initially, with her parents. But my dad (having been dubbed 'the cool uncle') stepped in and acted as her wali, they got hitched, and eventually her dad realised that his son-in-law wasn't such a bad guy. It's just the notion of a love marriage had all the wrong connotations.

But anyway, the rest of my family, from what I know, had semi-arranged marriages. You know, when people hear that phrase - any kind of 'arranged marriage' - the usual reaction is shockhorrordisgust. No really, today I heard snippets of a conversation where this guy pronounced his utmost digust for arranged marriages: 'I hate arranged marriages. They're [bad word] disgusting.'

Okay, so this is kind of understandable, and I agree when it comes specifically to arranged arranged marriages. No one should be forced to marry someone, everyone has the right to make their own decision, and I mean, it's haraam anyway, under Islam (so when you hear those horror stories about crazy Muslim families forcing their girls into marriages with people they don't know or didn't agree to - IT'S NOT ISLAM. OKAY?!).

But when arranged marriage is spoken about here, it usually encompasses semi-arranged too, and I'm here to defend that.

Let me go back to my extended family, in Sri Lanka. They live mostly in underdeveloped areas. The way they grew up, boys and girls do not mingle. Even if they go to co-ed schools, girls hang with girls, boys hang with boys, they barely socialise between them, unless they're related. Otherwise, they're just awkward.

It's partially a society thing, but also, for many - especially the 'villagers' of my dad's side - they're all just naturally shy. Girls especially, and boys sometimes when they have to interact with girls,  are just timid by nature. 

These are just the school days. Perhaps, if they got to uni, they'd 'mature' in such a way that they'd socialise more. But, the education system is really strict. If you're not a part of the 'cream of the crop' in the first round, well, that's it. You're out. And a lot of people don't make it to the uni stage. So there's very few places for you to actually meet someone and get to know each other inadvertently, on 'halal' grounds. 

In these circumstances, it is incredibly difficult to find your One True Love. Especially if you're of the Very Bashful, like most of my cousins. While some of them made it to further education, the majority, particularly the 'villagers' of my dad's side, didn't. The rest of their life is just building a family. But how's one supposed to do that if they can't find a person to start with?

Hence that 'brokering' business, where the families put their feelers out and look for who's available. They look at the photos, they ask around, and if someone seems okay, a meeting is organised. The eligible bachelors/bachelorettes converse in supervised conditions, and if they like, another meeting or two may be organised, and then, TRALALALA, THE WEDDING BELLS RING.

And it works for them. Trust me. Take my favourite cousin (mother of Little Mr Dubai). The whole meet and greet thing took place before we were there, but we were there for the nikaah (contract signing ceremony thing - on Western terms, it's sort of like a pre-nup engagement party). If you think it's awkward and weird and you don't understand how you can possibly just fall in love with a stranger, let me tell you that 

- well, doesn't that happen a lot anyway? You meet someone you didn't know before, and love blossoms after you get to know them. This is just a different, more controlled environment -

I've seen it with my own eyes. Oh my God, it was sort of sickening to watch her get lost in that lovey dovey delirium. Her man had to go to Dubai soon after, and they Skyped every night, and every day she just kept floating about waiting for every night, and I will not lie IwasojealousshehadallherattentiononhimwhereasIonlygettoseehereveryfewyearsIwantedhertodoteonME.
She had a special ring tone for him, and she made a Brangelina variation of their name, and it was just ewwwwww. 

But the point is, it worked for her. And for all the others. Like seriously. That's just how it is for them. I know my cousins, and I know that left to their own devices, they will flounder and end up forever alone. That's just the way it is there.

So when people diss semi-arranged marriages (usually under arranged), it really irks me because I personally know a whole bunch of happily-ever-afters that have resulted from them. Not just that, but who are they to just assume something like that is absolutely awful when they haven't experienced it?

At the same time, I was not brought up the way they were. I was born and raised here, in Oz. As it happens, I did go to co-ed schools, and although I've stuck to abstinence from dating and everything that can ensue from that, I have grown up socialising with guys (still awkwardly, though not that dramatically ^_^ ), and the thought of marrying someone I don't know, even if I've had meetings beforehand, just seems... crazy. Beyond comprehension o.o I mean, I've already said I doubt I can find myself a guy, but I've also thought about what would happen if by chance, I did find someone. would my parents be okay with that?

I mean, I know my dad played guardian for my cousin's love marriage, but I feel like he has a general soft spot for all the things from his village. If it was me and being here - I get the vibe that he'd find it dangerously Western and haraam.

Okay, my parents have an underlying, ingrained racism in them. My dad less than my mother, but it's a thing against Africans, and the way, for a while, the media used to portray them as thugs and stuff. My sister and I, having gone to a seriously multicultural school, were really defensive about this, so in some rather extreme ways of defiance, as a youngster, I used to say that I wouldn't mind marrying an African. Once, my dad actually took me up on this seriously. He said he wouldn't allow it, because an interracial marriage means me and the guy would have had to meet outside of parental supervision, so therefore, something haraam MUST have happened.

NO. This is absolute rubbish, just in case you didn't get that.

It's a traditional view amongst lots of ethnics - not all, but a lot - that 'love' marriages, like arranged to the Westerners, have all the negative connotations, of 'loose' children who do the hanky-panky outside of wedlock.

And so, I'd like to defend 'love marriages' here too. It's entirely possible for you to meet someone of the opposite gender, and do things 'right' - like my cousin - and just marry them before anything goes wrong. Why the heck not? Just becase you end up liking someone, it does not mean your physical bod goes out of control and does inappropriate things immediately. And by preventing two people who are in love from doing things the right way, you're only paving the way for haraam. Just sayin'.

But I feel like you guys already know that, so I don't have much to say on it.

And I know this is long, but I'm going to answer the other question from the Anon about Why I Wouldn't Mind Getting Married Young:

1. I donno, there just seems to be something awkward about getting married old. Personally. To me. It just feels like something better done young.
2. I like the idea of working your life out together with someone, rather than establishing a very independant lifestyle and then having to readjust it to make it work with someone else. I like the idea of finding someone to share the same vision of what you want in the future from the early stages, and then making it happen together. "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
3. I want to be a young mother. Kids are energetic. I would also like to be at a certain peak in my own energy when raising them. Also, the younger you have them, the smaller the age gap is between you, and the better chance you have of relating to them as they grow up. And you can hopefully end up being a young grandmother, and you may even get to be a great-grandmother...! ^_^
4. You know how people like to travel the world and do lots of crazy 'independant' stuff before they get 'tied down' to marriage? I worry that if I travel the world and all the jazz before marriage, my heart will never be content staying put again. I don't want to be constantly plagued with wanderlust when I attempt to raise a family. So going back to the young mother thing, I would rather get married, have the kids, have them grow up to be adults, the whole shebang, and then still be young enough to take on the world with my man, and I won't have any official reason to have to stay put. Also: I hate it when people think of marriage as that 'tied down' thing, like it's some kind of imprisonment. Honestly, if that's how you view marriage, if you really do follow through with it, I pity the person you end up with.
5. Like I said before, I've kept away from dating and all that for all my school life. I will not lie, while I'm not very crush-crazy, it is still a bit hard watching everyone else get swept away by their whirlwind romances... psh, yeah right. I'm actually happy to be away from all the angst -_-' But, a lot of us abstain for so long, and some may feel that way, so why should they have to prolong their loveless life? Why shouldn't they take the first shot at a romance, the halal way, as soon as possible?
6. Finally, if the right person presents himself/herself, why shouldn't we get married straight away? Why should we have to wait, unnecessarily so? WHAT IS THE POINT?!

That's it.

Okay, I can actually talk more on this topic, on a lot of other angles, but I think this is long enough, and I'm tired. Hope your lives are happy, and if you want to share how marriage works in your religion/culture, feel free to share :)

Peace in,
Laila