I use 'know' very loosely here. He went to my school. We've been in the same class. He walked the same halls as me. Talked to people I knew. I've spoken to him.
He's my age.
It's just so close to home. I don't know what to do.
It doesn't feel real.
Just how. What. What.
I have to admit, I had a reaction I'm not proud of. I mean, after the initial shock, I was just... Like... I wasn't angry or contemptuous, but I just initially accepted he was in the wrong. It's so mean, right?
I just didn't have the best impression of him, personally, in my goody-two-shoes way. He was a bit obnoxious in my French class. He used to always argue with this girl - she was provocative too - but the thing is, they would shout and swear, and that just makes me nervous.
But I've been thinking about it... All day... And there are just so many dimensions and I'm so confused and frustrated and absolutely very completely ... Listless. It's just bizarre.
Like... I'm not sure what I can say here, because I don't know if people can find this stuff and so... I can't spill secrets, I don't want to compromise other people or be involved... But I really... I feel like I'm going to explode.
It's just that I don't know what to believe and I don't know what to think but I don't think I need to find a stance like it's not really my place to find a stance on this but then how do you not have a stance and I knew him and how is someone the class clown one day and compelled to stab policemen another day and then just dead and what if the police are lying what if the media are lying what if we're all just lying and was it a malicious act was it just stupidity was he scared or was he angry was he really so threatening and did the police really have to shoot or was it just like an instinctive reaction or were they hateful and how does this happen and how skeptical are we allowed to be about things how can you believe everything you hear but then how can you not just believe everything I mean I
JUST
DON'T
KNOW.
What I do know.
He's not an 18 year old man, terror suspect. He's a boy. Maybe he was into stupid things, but he had time to change and grow up.
Peace in,
Laila
