I did something revolutionary today.
In my family, we do not apologise. For little, meaningless things, yes. Bump into one of them as we walk by, a reflexive 'sorry' might just make a brief appearance, but really, it's not deep or something to actually be acknowledged.
I mean that in our family, the apologies that we need, the ones that matter, never happen. The ones after a huge fight, where we've said really cutting things that we don't really mean but still have a ring of truth to them, which is what makes them so sharp. Silly misunderstandings that escalate, unintentional damage caused to something that's important to someone else.
Don't get me wrong - I don't think we mean to be so unapologetic, unforgiving, shameless. Prideful. It's just that my family is really, seriously unsentimental. We don't hug and kiss a lot, genuine I-love-you's are rare, we never talk feelings (shudder). We like to be tough, we like to Just Get Over things. We rage, and then we go on as if nothing happened. If we ever try to do something different, it's usually met with suspicion, derision, or just plain discomfort. So we don't.
But ever since I realised this, I've felt bad. I don't mean it constantly plagues me - just, on occasion, it pops into my head, and I feel a little guilty. Particularly if I've done something bad.
I remember, in our old house, the toilet, my dad had this thing on the wall, and among the many important phrases/words, it stated that the six most important words were 'I admit I made a mistake'. (Actually, it was really good food for thought... so I found it again. Here.)
It shouldn't be that hard. It's basically just 'sorry'. One word.
But ohmyGod, how hard is it to do that, to put aside all that pride - not arrogance, just dignity - after all the screaming, the blind defending and attacking, the ranting and raving and I'mrightyou'rewrong-ing, to put it all aside after being so very sure, to admit DEFEAT.
It's so hard. Particularly with my family. I can apologise to friends. But family. Family who can tear you apart and you can't do anything about it (besides tear them apart?). Family you can't just not see again. Family, who no matter how they cut you down and make you hate the whole entire world, are your comfort zone. Family who will never let anything you did go.
But I said I did something revolutionary, and so you know I did it. Firstly, my mama. You know from my last post that she was driving me crazy. There were a few yelling matches. But. But. I said sorry. Two times. And even though it took a lot of self-pep talking, it was worth it. It wasn't a monumental event. My mother just made 'okay' kind of sound, and, as we do best, life just went on.
But it felt good, a genuine, pure relief; a certain kind of weightlessness. It was lovely.
However, I must admit - I don't know if this is just a retrospect thing - but I think that on the scale of people in my family, my mother, while at the hard end, is not the most difficult person to contend with. No, that role would go to my older sister.
We had a fight today. It was a stupid fight (as most fights in my family are). I was defending someone she was annoyed with, she made it seem like I was 'taking their side', whereas, in my view, I wasn't taking any sides - just presenting the other side. But then it escalated, and I said stupid, nasty things that implied she was a bad sister - I wasn't even being logical (though I guess that's pretty typical of a stupid fight?). Regardless, even though I still think a lot of what she had to say was unfair, I was... inspired... to try and apologise.
You do not approach my sister when she is mad. I think I have posted about this occasionally, in the past years. Regardless of whether whatever she says makes sense or not, she just has a tone that can cut you to shreds. That's all it takes. The smart move is to avoid her until the storm passes, and you can resume life like nothing happened before.
But. But I knew that if I waited that long, my apology would become a bit...redundant. I mean, she'd be over it, I'd be too, and it wouldn't feel as valuable.
Yet I could not approach her, in person. I was very much afraid of her capacity to shoot before and ask questions later. So. So. So, I sent her text.
...
Is that stupid? Cowardly? I can't help it. I'm scared of her. She doesn't have to do much to make me cry. This will be an incomplete post, because I only just sent it to her, and I'm awaiting her reaction/response. Whether I upgrade to verbal apologies in the future really depends on how this one pans out. Still, despite my underlying fear - this feeling of waiting in line to be executed - I feel good. It feels good to do the right thing. I know it's cheesy and so goody-two-shoes, but I can't help it.
In a weird sort of irony, I think that putting aside your pride to do something like this only results in it coming back afterwards, more blown up and self-righteous than before ;)
Peace in,
Laila
Showing posts with label sisterlyness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sisterlyness. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Where Babies Come From
I remember the day I learnt that babies are not bought from special shops called Hospitals, that day when all the notions of angelic storks flew out the window.
I remember that our dad had just dropped us off from school, and my mother was still in the kitchen. My sister sort of caught me in that moment where we lingered in the hallway. She had this really evil glint in her eye, and she leaned in close and said: "Do you want to know where babies come from?"
Obviously, that by itself does not say much. But it was the tone, the kind of tone that suggests a nasty joke is going to follow, at your expense. And the expression, mischievous, devious. Without her having to say anything further, I knew it was something 'bad', and I remember covering my ears and running for it, down two hallways and out the back door, screaming 'NANANANANANA I CAN'T HEAR YOUUU!' all the way. I must have been 8 or 9 years old.
Let's rewind, way before I ran out screaming and my sister first turned to me with that evil look in her eye.
She's at school, and she happens to look over the shoulders of some guys in her class, on the computer, and lo and behold, what does she see? Some very intimate photos. Lots of people, lack of clothes. You know what I mean. Don't make me say it.
"What are you looking at? Why are you doing that?" she snaps. The boys kind of roll their eyes.
"Don't you know where babies come from?" one bonehead asks her. And she's still aghast, but now a little disbelieving too, and slightly shocked and disgusted. And a bit curious.
So after we fast forward passed our moment in the hallway of my house, you find her spending the entire day trying to make 'appointments' with my mother. My mother would be in the kitchen, serving lunch, then cleaning up, then making dinner, then cleaning up, and in all these various intervals, my sister'd approach.
"Yes?" my mother'd reply, her usual indifferent sort of self. My sister would blank, and with hurried mumble of 'nothing', she'd evacuate. It soon became clear she was not going to have That Conversation with my mother, so she had to wait for a certain someone else.
That someone is a girl called Sabriah. Subriah? Umm... wow. I don't even know how to spell her name. But basically, her family is really close with ours, our dads go back to sharing a house in their bachelor days, as they always remind us. Sabriah, she plays the role of both my older sister's close friend, and a kind of older sister for her too. She's the wise one. I have so much respect for her, because she was the one who got me to read Harry Potter. I don't know about you, but usually when my sister hung out with her friends, I'd be kicked out by all of them being the annoying kid sister, and they were never nice about it. Sabriah always made sure I had something to do.
Anyhow, the point is, my sister kept all this turmoil inside until we visited them. The two of them disappeared into her room, leaving me with the piano that day, maybe. I don't really remember.
"Where are babies from?" she asks, finally allowing the panic she's been penting up to surface. "Because this guy told me this... blah blah blah... but I don't think that's right. It can't be right. It must be haraam. Allah would never allow something like that. It can't be."
Sabriah kind of blinks, and says: "Umm, I think you should say the shahadah, quick, I think you just went outside of Islam then."
I mean, they were both fairly young. My sister would have been 9 or 10, and I guess Sabriah would have been 11 or 12.
Anyway, as soon as my sister affirmed her faith again, Sabriah sat her down with a heavy sigh, one burdened with the weight of bad news.
And that's my sister's story. Why did I share it? Besides the fact that it amuses me, well, the moral is: my older sister was actually really cute once ^_^
So tell me, do you guys have stories about that one moment in your life? Know anyone else's weird or cute stories? I know a guy whose younger sister broke it to him, and he cried. My cousin also said that in our ickle village, if they don't learn it at school, the uncles break it to the boys just before they get married. Girls, due to our official change from girl to woman, learn it a bit earlier. And I mean, tell me, does anyone actually ever have That Talk with their parents, like I always see in movies and TV shows and stuff? I don't think I've ever met someone who has o.O
Peace in,
Laila
I remember that our dad had just dropped us off from school, and my mother was still in the kitchen. My sister sort of caught me in that moment where we lingered in the hallway. She had this really evil glint in her eye, and she leaned in close and said: "Do you want to know where babies come from?"
Obviously, that by itself does not say much. But it was the tone, the kind of tone that suggests a nasty joke is going to follow, at your expense. And the expression, mischievous, devious. Without her having to say anything further, I knew it was something 'bad', and I remember covering my ears and running for it, down two hallways and out the back door, screaming 'NANANANANANA I CAN'T HEAR YOUUU!' all the way. I must have been 8 or 9 years old.
She never did give me the details, and I don't actually know when I learned those details, but I count that moment as the one that stole that part of my innocence. Clearly I had been anticipating such a terrible deed when it came out, so that's why I wasn't so shocked as to have the actual memory for the day.
But while I know my own experiences of learning where babies came from, I kind of took my sister's for granted, you know? I never did ask her how she learnt, because I was so devastated that she took that away from me. Well, yesterday, my older sister, Creepy Z, and I were taking a walk down memory lane, and I got the full story.
Let's rewind, way before I ran out screaming and my sister first turned to me with that evil look in her eye.
She's at school, and she happens to look over the shoulders of some guys in her class, on the computer, and lo and behold, what does she see? Some very intimate photos. Lots of people, lack of clothes. You know what I mean. Don't make me say it.
And her little self-righteous self is aghast.
"What are you looking at? Why are you doing that?" she snaps. The boys kind of roll their eyes.
"Don't you know where babies come from?" one bonehead asks her. And she's still aghast, but now a little disbelieving too, and slightly shocked and disgusted. And a bit curious.
So after we fast forward passed our moment in the hallway of my house, you find her spending the entire day trying to make 'appointments' with my mother. My mother would be in the kitchen, serving lunch, then cleaning up, then making dinner, then cleaning up, and in all these various intervals, my sister'd approach.
"Mum," she'd say hesitantly. "Can I talk to you about something?"
"Yes?" my mother'd reply, her usual indifferent sort of self. My sister would blank, and with hurried mumble of 'nothing', she'd evacuate. It soon became clear she was not going to have That Conversation with my mother, so she had to wait for a certain someone else.
That someone is a girl called Sabriah. Subriah? Umm... wow. I don't even know how to spell her name. But basically, her family is really close with ours, our dads go back to sharing a house in their bachelor days, as they always remind us. Sabriah, she plays the role of both my older sister's close friend, and a kind of older sister for her too. She's the wise one. I have so much respect for her, because she was the one who got me to read Harry Potter. I don't know about you, but usually when my sister hung out with her friends, I'd be kicked out by all of them being the annoying kid sister, and they were never nice about it. Sabriah always made sure I had something to do.
Anyhow, the point is, my sister kept all this turmoil inside until we visited them. The two of them disappeared into her room, leaving me with the piano that day, maybe. I don't really remember.
As soon as they're locked in, my sister bursts.
"Where are babies from?" she asks, finally allowing the panic she's been penting up to surface. "Because this guy told me this... blah blah blah... but I don't think that's right. It can't be right. It must be haraam. Allah would never allow something like that. It can't be."
Sabriah kind of blinks, and says: "Umm, I think you should say the shahadah, quick, I think you just went outside of Islam then."
I mean, they were both fairly young. My sister would have been 9 or 10, and I guess Sabriah would have been 11 or 12.
Anyway, as soon as my sister affirmed her faith again, Sabriah sat her down with a heavy sigh, one burdened with the weight of bad news.
"I'm afraid it's true," she said, much to my sister's horror.
And that's my sister's story. Why did I share it? Besides the fact that it amuses me, well, the moral is: my older sister was actually really cute once ^_^
So tell me, do you guys have stories about that one moment in your life? Know anyone else's weird or cute stories? I know a guy whose younger sister broke it to him, and he cried. My cousin also said that in our ickle village, if they don't learn it at school, the uncles break it to the boys just before they get married. Girls, due to our official change from girl to woman, learn it a bit earlier. And I mean, tell me, does anyone actually ever have That Talk with their parents, like I always see in movies and TV shows and stuff? I don't think I've ever met someone who has o.O
Laila
Saturday, June 8, 2013
The Bad News
You guys. You guys. *giggles like a little girl*
Um, my sister and I had a fight. This is not unusual, we always fight, but I feel like this one takes the cake because it's SO COMPLETELY UNFAIR. But I'm going to let you guys be the judge. Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here.
So on Sunday, my sister walked into my room and told me that at 4 o'clock, she needed me to cover for her because she was going to be out - well, she'd be on her way home, but she wasn't sure she'd make it on time. So basically, I'd have to cover for her for the first 10 or 15min.
Now, for some inexplicable reason, I thought she was talking about tomorrow - i.e. Monday. I really don't know why, but that was what was in my head. And on Monday, I had my own tutoring client from 4 to 5, and it's not the kind where I can multi-task - we're pretty much engaged the whole time.
So I was like nononononononono, I can't.
And she was like pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.
And I was like nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
And she was like pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseI'llpayyouplease.
And I was like Ihateyou.
And she was like pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
And I was like fine. I'll try. (Think it in a really brattish tone. That's how it was said.)
Of course, we've established by now that she actually meant that very day, as in Sunday, but I didn't know that because my stupid brain said Monday. And that evening was rather lovely, so I went for a bike ride, and I came back at about 4:15pm and as soon as I walked into the kitchen, my cousin had an evil grin, and he made that BOOM gesture with his hands. My mother arched her eyebrows and shook her head. I thought, as usual, she'd had a fight with someone else in the family.
"What happened?" I whispered.
"What did you do?" my cousin whispered back.
I was so confused. Eventually, my mother explained about how apparently I'd agreed to tutor that day and blahblahblah. You know. So I went to my room, unbuckling the helmet, wondering what to do. I was going to go an apologise and explain right away, but I know my sister, and when she's mad, you don't reason with her.
Then my little sister, Number 3, came in, and being the little gossip she is, started filling me in on the tirade I missed. Apparently I was called a 'selfish... [insertwordthatstartwith'b'andrhymeswithwitch]'. Now, you guys should know I don't swear, and it's generally a no-no in our house. So her using that means she was really really mad.... so I thought, um, maybe give it a day.
But I thought, hey, she's mad, she's probably not thinking logically. A day it is.
My dad did ask me, on the spot, if I had in fact promised to take on her shift and all, and I explained what happened, and then he, in turn, explained it to her... but all was quiet.
Now, I got told off for not trying to make it up with her, my dad being all like 'why aren't you talking to your sister? Blahblahblahblah....'
So then come yesterday. The Good News Day. Confronted with some external company, we exchanged words, if awkwardly, and I thought, this is good. We've made up. Things can go back to how it is.
Come today. We're still a bit awkward, but we're still exchanging words. It could only get better.
After I came back from tuition, Star invited me for a bike ride. That's when I noticed my helmet was missing.
I searched high and low, and I couldn't find it, even though it's not like some mystery where I keep it. It's always on the highest shelf on my desk. Then I thought, well, there's a chance my sister may have gone on a bike ride when I was at school or something, maybe she kept it in her room. So I went in there, and after a bit of poking about... I found it. It was in her closet, right there, tucked into one of her clothes' shelves. Then I got a little shifty feeling. Okay, she might have gone for some bike ride, but why would she take the effort to really tuck that helmet so deeply in there?
And then I thought... well, maybe she's really still mad, and the awkwardness is just that she's trying to appease my father. So I thought I'd test this out. I got dressed to go, and then I went to her and asked her if she'd seen the helmet. She said no.
I put on my headscarf, marched to her room, got the helmet out, marched back to her, and said: 'Funny how you don't know where it is, but it's right there in your room.'
'I don't think you should be using that,' my sister said, with this twisted smile on her face. I expected more anger, but she just had this kind of careless expression.
'We had an agreement,' I said, and I could feel myself starting to tear up. I had to meet Star in 5min, so I started stalking towards the door.
'Excuse me, that's my helmet that I bought,' she hissed, and followed me to the door. I whirled around to face her.
'Can I just ask you something?' I said, while she said 'Give me my helmet.' Knowing there was no point requesting permission, I ploughed ahead. 'Why are you mad at me?'
'Because you ditched my tutoring thing on Sunday,' she said (or something to that effect, can't remember the words).
'Didn't you hear dad?' I cried. 'It was a mistake. I thought you meant Monday. Why are you mad at me for a misunderstanding? I didn't MEAN IT!'
'And yet you sabotaged my tutoring,' she snapped. At this point, my mother was just telling me to ignore her and go, and my dad was telling her to calm down, and she just strode off, saying: 'Enjoy that bike ride, it's going to be your last.'
Anyhow, how is that fair? SABOTAGE? REALLY? I DIDN'T MEAN IT. I HAVE NO REASON TO DO STUPID MEAN THINGS LIKE THAT. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE. Isn't ONE ENTIRE WEEK a little too much anger for one tiny misunderstanding?? Am I in the wrong? You can be honest.
A happier post ahead, insha'allah, guys (:
Peace in,
Laila
Actually, no. See, I have good news and bad news, but to combine everything in one post would probably make it so long that you'd fall asleep before you reached the end. So I'm going to do the bad news, because I don't like ending on a bad note... it's like going from Legal to History, for me. Also, if I delay the good news for a few days, I may have pictures to share. Maybe. *giggles again*
Okay, bad news. It's not really news, it's just...all my good spirits from yesterday were just crushed. Not completely, because everytime I think about yesterday I start getting floaty and airy fairy, but then I think of today and I just.... deflate. I should stop talking about the good news.
Um, my sister and I had a fight. This is not unusual, we always fight, but I feel like this one takes the cake because it's SO COMPLETELY UNFAIR. But I'm going to let you guys be the judge. Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here.
My sister does online tutoring. I think it's on every Sunday that she basically books sessions for the week, each one being 30min. I personally believes she takes on too many, or maybe I just don't like this idea of working for so long in front of a screen, but she loves her money. Whatever.
Sometimes, she needs me to cover for her, because on top of the online tutoring, she does do face-to-face tutoring, and she also has uni and stuff. I really hate it; it just feels so impersonal with all these rules and regulations to deal with, and you know, I like to try get people to think more deeper or aim higher, whereas my sister keeps insisting that you just answer what you have to, and that's it. Also, I'm technically still in high school, so I feel like a cheat when someone logs in that's my age... like I don't really have the expertise to help them when I'm still on their level. And of course, there are times when people come on, sometimes uni students, and I have no idea what to do, and I really freak out. It's just so... stressful.
But anyhow, when my sister asks me to do it, for all my whining and whinging, I always do it. Whether or not she decides to compensate me for my time in, I do it because... well, let me be honest here: I fear her wrath. When she's mad, she's like a raging bull with anger-management issues that woke up on the wrong side of the paddock and then someone decided to poke him in the butt. Yep. And, also, I know it's important to her, and the management can get tetchy if you're late or you miss a session... so yeah. I do it. Always. Got that?
So on Sunday, my sister walked into my room and told me that at 4 o'clock, she needed me to cover for her because she was going to be out - well, she'd be on her way home, but she wasn't sure she'd make it on time. So basically, I'd have to cover for her for the first 10 or 15min.
Now, for some inexplicable reason, I thought she was talking about tomorrow - i.e. Monday. I really don't know why, but that was what was in my head. And on Monday, I had my own tutoring client from 4 to 5, and it's not the kind where I can multi-task - we're pretty much engaged the whole time.
So I was like nononononononono, I can't.
And she was like pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.
And I was like nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.
And she was like pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseI'llpayyouplease.
And I was like Ihateyou.
And she was like pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.
And I was like fine. I'll try. (Think it in a really brattish tone. That's how it was said.)
Right. So I made a mental note that at 4pm tomorrow, I'd have to log in to her tutoring thing.
Of course, we've established by now that she actually meant that very day, as in Sunday, but I didn't know that because my stupid brain said Monday. And that evening was rather lovely, so I went for a bike ride, and I came back at about 4:15pm and as soon as I walked into the kitchen, my cousin had an evil grin, and he made that BOOM gesture with his hands. My mother arched her eyebrows and shook her head. I thought, as usual, she'd had a fight with someone else in the family.
"What happened?" I whispered.
"What did you do?" my cousin whispered back.
I was so confused. Eventually, my mother explained about how apparently I'd agreed to tutor that day and blahblahblah. You know. So I went to my room, unbuckling the helmet, wondering what to do. I was going to go an apologise and explain right away, but I know my sister, and when she's mad, you don't reason with her.
When she's mad, she's vicious. She has hit me and violently shoved me about - and I'm not talking about when we were little, but I mean, in the recent years. I have many bad memories of her rage. I remember once - when I was about 11 - I had gotten this new paint set and spent the whole day working on this dophin picture. In a split second of anger - for what reason, I can't remember - she marched into my room when I'd left, ripped it up into shreds and threw it in the bin. Oh my God, it's depressing me even now o_o
Basically, she's the shoot-first-ask-questions-later kind of person. So I thought to myself, I'll give it a little time, let her cool down, see how she is when she comes out of the computer room.
Then my little sister, Number 3, came in, and being the little gossip she is, started filling me in on the tirade I missed. Apparently I was called a 'selfish... [insertwordthatstartwith'b'andrhymeswithwitch]'. Now, you guys should know I don't swear, and it's generally a no-no in our house. So her using that means she was really really mad.... so I thought, um, maybe give it a day.
I was also irked. Those charming words she used to describe me basically means she thought I had intentionally decided to put aside her request just 'because'... like I just wanted to provoke her for the fun of it. Clearly, as mentioned before, she's INSANE when she's mad, so why the heck would I do that? Seriously. In terms of the household hierarchy, I'm her doormat. I'm so passive it's not even funny. So okay, she's mad, but does she honestly think I'd have the brave to defy her just like that?
And, also, where's my motive? We've been on good terms for a while, why would I do that anyway? I'm not self-destructive, or a hell-raiser.
But I thought, hey, she's mad, she's probably not thinking logically. A day it is.
My dad did ask me, on the spot, if I had in fact promised to take on her shift and all, and I explained what happened, and then he, in turn, explained it to her... but all was quiet.
She didn't speak to me all week.
Now, I got told off for not trying to make it up with her, my dad being all like 'why aren't you talking to your sister? Blahblahblahblah....'
And I have to say, I'm not not talking to her. I'm just waiting for her to talk to me. As soon as she does, that's it. I'm not holding any grudges, I understand the situation. The reason I'm not talking to her is because I don't understand the extent of her anger, and if she's really that mad, trying to talk to her will only result in my death, or something.
So then come yesterday. The Good News Day. Confronted with some external company, we exchanged words, if awkwardly, and I thought, this is good. We've made up. Things can go back to how it is.
Come today. We're still a bit awkward, but we're still exchanging words. It could only get better.
After I came back from tuition, Star invited me for a bike ride. That's when I noticed my helmet was missing.
Okay, it's not strictly mine, it's hers. But she said I could keep it in my room ages ago, because I ride my bike more often anyhow, and I always thought it was a joint thing. Thought.
I searched high and low, and I couldn't find it, even though it's not like some mystery where I keep it. It's always on the highest shelf on my desk. Then I thought, well, there's a chance my sister may have gone on a bike ride when I was at school or something, maybe she kept it in her room. So I went in there, and after a bit of poking about... I found it. It was in her closet, right there, tucked into one of her clothes' shelves. Then I got a little shifty feeling. Okay, she might have gone for some bike ride, but why would she take the effort to really tuck that helmet so deeply in there?
[I would also like to take a moment to stress that going through each other's rooms is not in itself out of bounds. We usually go by the sisterly laws of sharing all our clothes, so we go in out of each other's closets all the time without asking.]
And then I thought... well, maybe she's really still mad, and the awkwardness is just that she's trying to appease my father. So I thought I'd test this out. I got dressed to go, and then I went to her and asked her if she'd seen the helmet. She said no.
Well, there you have it.
In my head, I kind of exploded. I just couldn't believe after all this time, she was still mad at me for a basic misunderstanding. And now, on top of that, she was lying to me.... I mean, okay, that's not something new, people lie all the time. But this is me knowing she's lying. It made me sick.
I put on my headscarf, marched to her room, got the helmet out, marched back to her, and said: 'Funny how you don't know where it is, but it's right there in your room.'
(Now that I think about it, that was a dangerous move to make o.o )
'I don't think you should be using that,' my sister said, with this twisted smile on her face. I expected more anger, but she just had this kind of careless expression.
'We had an agreement,' I said, and I could feel myself starting to tear up. I had to meet Star in 5min, so I started stalking towards the door.
'Excuse me, that's my helmet that I bought,' she hissed, and followed me to the door. I whirled around to face her.
'Can I just ask you something?' I said, while she said 'Give me my helmet.' Knowing there was no point requesting permission, I ploughed ahead. 'Why are you mad at me?'
'Because you ditched my tutoring thing on Sunday,' she said (or something to that effect, can't remember the words).
'Didn't you hear dad?' I cried. 'It was a mistake. I thought you meant Monday. Why are you mad at me for a misunderstanding? I didn't MEAN IT!'
'And yet you sabotaged my tutoring,' she snapped. At this point, my mother was just telling me to ignore her and go, and my dad was telling her to calm down, and she just strode off, saying: 'Enjoy that bike ride, it's going to be your last.'
Okay, I went outside, I bawled for like two minutes, and forced myself to stop because I don't like crying around friends. And when I got to our meeting place, Star was late so I unburdened my woes on my favourite black horse. And the bike ride we went for was 14km, which is like a stroll to the mailbox and back for Star, but was just... like walking to the other side of Australia and back for me. My thighs are burning, but it feels so good in a way, and I guess all the endorphins that were released helped me to sit down and write this without bawling ^_^
Anyhow, how is that fair? SABOTAGE? REALLY? I DIDN'T MEAN IT. I HAVE NO REASON TO DO STUPID MEAN THINGS LIKE THAT. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE. Isn't ONE ENTIRE WEEK a little too much anger for one tiny misunderstanding?? Am I in the wrong? You can be honest.
Also, remember in some earlier posts I promised a good whinge? Well, this is it. Really, I could have started this from the beginning of this year, of all the ways she's been upsetting me, and just in that time frame this post could go on forever. It's just... everytime we go through some bad bit, I manage to get over it and think that it's not worth immortalising on the net. But then we hit another wall, and seriously, she's driving me to a breaking point. My sister seems to be the source of 90% of my woes. She's so mean and domineering and aggressive and scary and only for the sake of Allah do I love her, because everything else about her really makes me sick. Okay, she does have her good points, but it's the millions of bad points that ingrain themselves into my mind.
I can't wish bad things on others, and I'm pretty sure it's wrong to anyhow, which is why I've taken to making a Very Good Wish for her, one that she wants very badly too: I really hope she gets married and just GOES AWAY.
A happier post ahead, insha'allah, guys (:
Peace in,
Laila
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