'the man shot dead'

I know this guy. 

I use 'know' very loosely here. He went to my school. We've been in the same class. He walked the same halls as me. Talked to people I knew. I've spoken to him.

He's my age.

It's just so close to home. I don't know what to do.

It doesn't feel real.

Just how. What. What.

I have to admit, I had a reaction I'm not proud of. I mean, after the initial shock, I was just... Like... I wasn't angry or contemptuous, but I just initially accepted he was in the wrong. It's so mean, right?

I just didn't have the best impression of him, personally, in my goody-two-shoes way. He was a bit obnoxious in my French class. He used to always argue with this girl - she was provocative too - but the thing is, they would shout and swear, and that just makes me nervous.

But I've been thinking about it... All day... And there are just so many dimensions and I'm so confused and frustrated and absolutely very completely ... Listless. It's just bizarre. 

Like... I'm not sure what I can say here, because I don't know if people can find this stuff and so... I can't spill secrets, I don't want to compromise other people or be involved... But I really... I feel like I'm going to explode.

It's just that I don't know what to believe and I don't know what to think but I don't think I need to find a stance like it's not really my place to find a stance on this but then how do you not have a stance and I knew him and how is someone the class clown one day and compelled to stab policemen another day and then just dead and what if the police are lying what if the media are lying what if we're all just lying and was it a malicious act was it just stupidity was he scared or was he angry was he really so threatening and did the police really have to shoot or was it just like an instinctive reaction or were they hateful and how does this happen and how skeptical are we allowed to be about things how can you believe everything you hear but then how can you not just believe everything I mean I

JUST

DON'T

KNOW.

What I do know.

He's not an 18 year old man, terror suspect. He's a boy. Maybe he was into stupid things, but he had time to change and grow up.

Peace in,
Laila

Socially,

University  is overrated. I had to say it.

Before I started uni,  everyone gushed about the... no The University Social Life.

Like OMG, you're gonna meet more sophisticated people and they're going to be like you and you're gonna hang out and have coffee and it's going to be so mature and cool and not like the trash you have in high school and blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAHHHHHH.

IT'S A LIE.

It's just... not as they say, although I might just add that it may be specific to the individual/course/campus.

For example, my campus is teeny tiny, and my course is pretty small too, so between all the lectures and tutorials and labs, you tend to see the same faces. However, I've heard that on the Clayton campus, it's very likely that you can meet someone once and never see them again.

What's awesome about my course - Nursing and Paramedics - is that you have to be good at communicating. You have to be nice and friendly. And while I didn't think I was the best at this, everyone else is, so it makes chatting pretty easy. And everyone's just so nice. So that's a perk.

My problem is really with the notion of making the supposedly fantastic 'friends'. Kinda. I mean, I had a crisis and it has since been resolved. Bear with me.

Basically, you may remember that I made a friend on my first orientation day. It wasn't too hard to find her again, but in the meantime, when I couldn't find her for a moment, I made another friend. And before long - give it a week or two - we had this group. It was fun. I liked it.

So uni goes by, you have the assignments, you have the mid-semester stuff, la di da. Late  in the semester, I thought: we've been hanging out for a while. We like each other. Why not try to take our 'hanging out' outside of a university context?

So I suggested we have a picnic, after one of our 'big' assessments.

Okay, so picnics are a bit of a weird suggestion. I figured that out after the laughs and odd looks. I can't help that I grew up with extraordinary friends. But at the time, I was a little miffed, and I started thinking. Thinking about certain things usually takes me downhill.

I started realising how reluctant everyone was just to hang out. Most people drive at uni, they have their own cars. As soon as a lecture is over, they just feel the need to rush home. None of my driving uni friends ever feel interested in just staying back a little, having this so-called traditional coffee. No one feels like just talking about stuff not really related to uni. What's their excuse? I'm dependant on buses, as are some of my other friends, but the drivers - why? 

During this crisis, I talked to a lot of other people, different courses, campuses. They kinda all said the same thing. People just come to uni when they have to, then leave ASAP. I guess a part of it is just all the studying, assignments, and work too... but come on. To have one social gathering every now and again can't be that hard.

I just thought, as a first year, that we were all in that same boat where we're equally lost and enthusiastic, eager to make friends and do this uni thing right. So I was a bit depressed when it didn't turn out that way. I mean, there was also this hype about joining clubs, and people I know who have done that stuff don't even attend the meetings and stuff...

But I guess that was just my high expectations.

So I've realised the value of having a few, meaningful friends, and just appreciating the sort of smile-and-wave friendships for what they are. I guess you can't just expect the same sort of connection from everyone, y'know?

(Late) Eid Mubarak, guys, and Happy (late) Friendship Day (apparently?) ^_^

Peace in,
Laila