My sincere apologies

I did something revolutionary today.

In my family, we do not apologise. For little, meaningless things, yes. Bump into one of them as we walk by, a reflexive 'sorry' might just make a brief appearance, but really, it's not deep or something to actually be acknowledged.

I mean that in our family, the apologies that we need, the ones that matter, never happen. The ones after a huge fight, where we've said really cutting things that we don't really mean but still have a ring of truth to them, which is what makes them so sharp. Silly misunderstandings that escalate, unintentional damage caused to something that's important to someone else. 

Don't get me wrong - I don't think we mean to be so unapologetic, unforgiving, shameless. Prideful. It's just that my family is really, seriously unsentimental. We don't hug and kiss a lot, genuine I-love-you's are rare, we never talk feelings (shudder). We like to be tough, we like to Just Get Over things. We rage, and then we go on as if nothing happened. If we ever try to do something different, it's usually met with suspicion, derision, or just plain discomfort. So we don't.

But ever since I realised this, I've felt bad. I don't mean it constantly plagues me - just, on occasion, it pops into my head, and I feel a little guilty. Particularly if I've done something bad.

I remember, in our old house, the toilet, my dad had this thing on the wall, and among the many important phrases/words, it stated that the six most important words were 'I admit I made a mistake'. (Actually, it was really good food for thought... so I found it again. Here.)

It shouldn't be that hard. It's basically just 'sorry'. One word. 

But ohmyGod, how hard is it to do that, to put aside all that pride - not arrogance, just dignity - after all the screaming, the blind defending and attacking, the ranting and raving and I'mrightyou'rewrong-ing, to put it all aside after being so very sure, to admit DEFEAT.

It's so hard. Particularly with my family. I can apologise to friends. But family. Family who can tear you apart and you can't do anything about it (besides tear them apart?). Family you can't just not see again. Family, who no matter how they cut you down and make you hate the whole entire world, are your comfort zone. Family who will never let anything you did go.

But I said I did something revolutionary, and so you know I did it. Firstly, my mama. You know from my last post that she was driving me crazy. There were a few yelling matches. But. But. I said sorry. Two times. And even though it took a lot of self-pep talking, it was worth it. It wasn't a monumental event. My mother just made 'okay' kind of sound, and, as we do best, life just went on.

But it felt good, a genuine, pure relief; a certain kind of weightlessness. It was lovely.

However, I must admit - I don't know if this is just a retrospect thing - but I think that on the scale of people in my family, my mother, while at the hard end, is not the most difficult person to contend with. No, that role would go to my older sister.

We had a fight today. It was a stupid fight (as most fights in my family are). I was defending someone she was annoyed with, she made it seem like I was 'taking their side', whereas, in my view, I wasn't taking any sides - just presenting the other side. But then it escalated, and I said stupid, nasty things that implied she was a bad sister - I wasn't even being logical (though I guess that's pretty typical of a stupid fight?). Regardless, even though I still think a lot of what she had to say was unfair, I was... inspired... to try and apologise. 

You do not approach my sister when she is mad. I think I have posted about this occasionally, in the past years. Regardless of whether whatever she says makes sense or not, she just has a tone that can cut you to shreds. That's all it takes. The smart move is to avoid her until the storm passes, and you can resume life like nothing happened before. 

But. But I knew that if I waited that long, my apology would become a bit...redundant. I mean, she'd be over it, I'd be too, and it wouldn't feel as valuable.

Yet I could not approach her, in person. I was very much afraid of her capacity to shoot before and ask questions later. So. So. So, I sent her text.

...

Is that stupid? Cowardly? I can't help it. I'm scared of her. She doesn't have to do much to make me cry. This will be an incomplete post, because I only just sent it to her, and I'm awaiting her reaction/response. Whether I upgrade to verbal apologies in the future really depends on how this one pans out. Still, despite my underlying fear - this feeling of waiting in line to be executed - I feel good. It feels good to do the right thing. I know it's cheesy and so goody-two-shoes, but I can't help it. 

In a weird sort of irony, I think that putting aside your pride to do something like this only results in it coming back afterwards, more blown up and self-righteous than before  ;)

Peace in,
Laila