The Bad News

You guys. You guys. *giggles like a little girl*

Actually, no. See, I have good news and bad news, but to combine everything in one post would probably make it so long that you'd fall asleep before you reached the end. So I'm going to do the bad news, because I don't like ending on a bad note... it's like going from Legal to History, for me. Also, if I delay the good news for a few days, I may have pictures to share. Maybe. *giggles again*

Okay, bad news. It's not really news, it's just...all my good spirits from yesterday were just crushed. Not completely, because everytime I think about yesterday I start getting floaty and airy fairy, but then I think of today and I just.... deflate. I should stop talking about the good news.

Um, my sister and I had a fight. This is not unusual, we always fight, but I feel like this one takes the cake because it's SO COMPLETELY UNFAIR. But I'm going to let you guys be the judge. Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here.

My sister does online tutoring. I think it's on every Sunday that she basically books sessions for the week, each one being 30min. I personally believes she takes on too many, or maybe I just don't like this idea of working for so long in front of a screen, but she loves her money. Whatever. 

Sometimes, she needs me to cover for her, because on top of the online tutoring, she does do face-to-face tutoring, and she also has uni and stuff. I really hate it; it just feels so impersonal with all these rules and regulations to deal with, and you know, I like to try get people to think more deeper or aim higher, whereas my sister keeps insisting that you just answer what you have to, and that's it. Also, I'm technically still in high school, so I feel like a cheat when someone logs in that's my age... like I don't really have the expertise to help them when I'm still on their level. And of course, there are times when people come on, sometimes uni students, and I have no idea what to do, and I really freak out. It's just so... stressful.

But anyhow, when my sister asks me to do it, for all my whining and whinging, I always do it. Whether or not she decides to compensate me for my time in, I do it because... well, let me be honest here: I fear her wrath. When she's mad, she's like a raging bull with anger-management issues that woke up on the wrong side of the paddock and then someone decided to poke him in the butt. Yep. And, also, I know it's important to her, and the management can get tetchy if you're late or you miss a session... so yeah. I do it. Always. Got that?

So on Sunday, my sister walked into my room and told me that at 4 o'clock, she needed me to cover for her because she was going to be out - well, she'd be on her way home, but she wasn't sure she'd make it on time. So basically, I'd have to cover for her for the first 10 or 15min.

Now, for some inexplicable reason, I thought she was talking about tomorrow - i.e. Monday. I really don't know why, but that was what was in my head. And on Monday, I had my own tutoring client from 4 to 5, and it's not the kind where I can multi-task - we're pretty much engaged the whole time. 

So I was like nononononononono, I can't.

And she was like pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

And I was like nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

And she was like pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseI'llpayyouplease.

And I was like Ihateyou.

And she was like pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

And I was like fine. I'll try. (Think it in a really brattish tone. That's how it was said.)

Right. So I made a mental note that at 4pm tomorrow, I'd have to log in to her tutoring thing.

Of course, we've established by now that she actually meant that very day, as in Sunday, but I didn't know that because my stupid brain said Monday. And that evening was rather lovely, so I went for a bike ride, and I came back at about 4:15pm and as soon as I walked into the kitchen, my cousin had an evil grin, and he made that BOOM gesture with his hands. My mother arched her eyebrows and shook her head. I thought, as usual, she'd had a fight with someone else in the family.

"What happened?" I whispered.

"What did you do?" my cousin whispered back.

I was so confused. Eventually, my mother explained about how apparently I'd agreed to tutor that day and blahblahblah. You know. So I went to my room, unbuckling the helmet, wondering what to do. I was going to go an apologise and explain right away, but I know my sister, and when she's mad, you don't reason with her.

When she's mad, she's vicious. She has hit me and violently shoved me about - and I'm not talking about when we were little, but I mean, in the recent years. I have many bad memories of her rage. I remember once - when I was about 11 - I had gotten this new paint set and spent the whole day working on this dophin picture. In a split second of anger - for what reason, I can't remember - she marched into my room when I'd left, ripped it up into shreds and threw it in the bin. Oh my God, it's depressing me even now o_o

Basically, she's the shoot-first-ask-questions-later kind of person. So I thought to myself, I'll give it a little time, let her cool down, see how she is when she comes out of the computer room.

Then my little sister, Number 3, came in, and being the little gossip she is, started filling me in on the tirade I missed. Apparently I was called a 'selfish... [insertwordthatstartwith'b'andrhymeswithwitch]'. Now, you guys should know I don't swear, and it's generally a no-no in our house. So her using that means she was really really mad.... so I thought, um, maybe give it a day.

I was also irked. Those charming words she used to describe me basically means she thought I had intentionally decided to put aside her request just 'because'... like I just wanted to provoke her for the fun of it. Clearly, as mentioned before, she's INSANE when she's mad, so why the heck would I do that? Seriously. In terms of the household hierarchy, I'm her doormat. I'm so passive it's not even funny. So okay, she's mad, but does she honestly think I'd have the brave to defy her just like that?

And, also, where's my motive? We've been on good terms for a while, why would I do that anyway? I'm not self-destructive, or a hell-raiser.

But I thought, hey, she's mad, she's probably not thinking logically. A day it is.

My dad did ask me, on the spot, if I had in fact promised to take on her shift and all, and I explained what happened, and then he, in turn, explained it to her... but all was quiet.

She didn't speak to me all week. 

Now, I got told off for not trying to make it up with her, my dad being all like 'why aren't you talking to your sister? Blahblahblahblah....'

And I have to say, I'm not not talking to her. I'm just waiting for her to talk to me. As soon as she does, that's it. I'm not holding any grudges, I understand the situation. The reason I'm not talking to her is because I don't understand the extent of her anger, and if she's really that mad, trying to talk to her will only result in my death, or something.

So then come yesterday. The Good News Day. Confronted with some external company, we exchanged words, if awkwardly, and I thought, this is good. We've made up. Things can go back to how it is.

Come today. We're still a bit awkward, but we're still exchanging words. It could only get better.

After I came back from tuition, Star invited me for a bike ride. That's when I noticed my helmet was missing.

Okay, it's not strictly mine, it's hers. But she said I could keep it in my room ages ago, because I ride my bike more often anyhow, and I always thought it was a joint thing. Thought.

I searched high and low, and I couldn't find it, even though it's not like some mystery where I keep it. It's always on the highest shelf on my desk. Then I thought, well, there's a chance my sister may have gone on a bike ride when I was at school or something, maybe she kept it in her room. So I went in there, and after a bit of poking about... I found it. It was in her closet, right there, tucked into one of her clothes' shelves. Then I got a little shifty feeling. Okay, she might have gone for some bike ride, but why would she take the effort to really tuck that helmet so deeply in there?

[I would also like to take a moment to stress that going through each other's rooms is not in itself out of bounds. We usually go by the sisterly laws of sharing all our clothes, so we go in out of each other's closets all the time without asking.]

And then I thought... well, maybe she's really still mad, and the awkwardness is just that she's trying to appease my father. So I thought I'd test this out. I got dressed to go, and then I went to her and asked her if she'd seen the helmet. She said no.

Well, there you have it.

In my head, I kind of exploded. I just couldn't believe after all this time, she was still mad at me for a basic misunderstanding. And now, on top of that, she was lying to me.... I mean, okay, that's not something new, people lie all the time. But this is me knowing she's lying. It made me sick.

I put on my headscarf, marched to her room, got the helmet out, marched back to her, and said: 'Funny how you don't know where it is, but it's right there in your room.'

(Now that I think about it, that was a dangerous move to make o.o )

'I don't think you should be using that,' my sister said, with this twisted smile on her face. I expected more anger, but she just had this kind of careless expression.

'We had an agreement,' I said, and I could feel myself starting to tear up. I had to meet Star in 5min, so I started stalking towards the door.

'Excuse me, that's my helmet that I bought,' she hissed, and followed me to the door. I whirled around to face her.

'Can I just ask you something?' I said, while she said 'Give me my helmet.' Knowing there was no point requesting permission, I ploughed ahead. 'Why are you mad at me?'

'Because you ditched my tutoring thing on Sunday,' she said (or something to that effect, can't remember the words).

'Didn't you hear dad?' I cried. 'It was a mistake. I thought you meant Monday. Why are you mad at me for a misunderstanding? I didn't MEAN IT!'

'And yet you sabotaged my tutoring,' she snapped. At this point, my mother was just telling me to ignore her and go, and my dad was telling her to calm down, and she just strode off, saying: 'Enjoy that bike ride, it's going to be your last.'

Okay, I went outside, I bawled for like two minutes, and forced myself to stop because I don't like crying around friends. And when I got to our meeting place, Star was late so I unburdened my woes on my favourite black horse. And the bike ride we went for was 14km, which is like a stroll to the mailbox and back for Star, but was just... like walking to the other side of Australia and back for me. My thighs are burning, but it feels so good in a way, and I guess all the endorphins that were released helped me to sit down and write this without bawling ^_^

Anyhow, how is that fair? SABOTAGE? REALLY? I DIDN'T MEAN IT. I HAVE NO REASON TO DO STUPID MEAN THINGS LIKE THAT. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE. Isn't ONE ENTIRE WEEK a little too much anger for one tiny misunderstanding?? Am I in the wrong? You can be honest. 

Also, remember in some earlier posts I promised a good whinge? Well, this is it. Really, I could have started this from the beginning of this year, of all the ways she's been upsetting me, and just in that time frame this post could go on forever. It's just... everytime we go through some bad bit, I manage to get over it and think that it's not worth immortalising on the net. But then we hit another wall, and seriously, she's driving me to a breaking point. My sister seems to be the source of 90% of my woes. She's so mean and domineering and aggressive and scary and only for the sake of Allah do I love her, because everything else about her really makes me sick. Okay, she does have her good points, but it's the millions of bad points that ingrain themselves into my mind. 

I can't wish bad things on others, and I'm pretty sure it's wrong to anyhow, which is why I've taken to making a Very Good Wish for her, one that she wants very badly too: I really hope she gets married and just GOES AWAY.

A happier post ahead, insha'allah, guys (:

Peace in,
Laila