Secret Lives

Some time last term, Star turned to me during lunchtime and said, maybe with a little surprise: 'You have friends.'

This is very nice to know. It might seem like such a weird thing to say, because usually you don't really expect your friend to say something like that, but it has its importance. I remember mentioning, a post or two or three ago, that I don't have too many close friends because I keep people at bay.

But Star's comment came with the realisation that while not many people know about the workings of my head or my 'personal' life, people still talk to me. Or they have been this year, more than before. And when they make their confessions and unburden their woes, I realise that I seem to have uncovered a whole new underbelly in my high school. Sort of.

Now, with what I might tell you now, you might go 'awww', because it's a serious case of delusional naivety. You see, I know what teenagers theoretically get up to. The parties, the drinks, and what happens under the covers. But because I hadn't physically witnessed it before my eyes, never having been to one of these things, it never occurred to me that this actually happened with people in my school. Or maybe I knew, at the back of my mind, but never really comprehended it.

But last term, as I sat with one of the school captains who I'd newly made friends with, and some others asked her about something that happened at her birthday party...my God. It happens. It's all there. And although no one was talking to me, I was blushing mentally because for some reason it just felt so shocking and scandalous.

In a way, to me, it felt like a majority of the teenagers in our school led a secret night life. Of course it's a stupid notion, they're not exactly bashful about it, but just in my stupid head it felt like it.

Then it sort've runs deeper. As I mentioned, I had recently made friends with one of the school captains. Let's call her Helen. I think she's lovely, I do. I mean, she's been around since the beginning of high school, but I had never spoken to her because our social circles were so far apart... and they still are, for that matter. At least, I figured from what she told me.

See, one day she looked stressed, so I asked her how she was doing, and she sort of sighed and said it was all the 'drama'. My expression must have been sort of blank, because she kind of gaped at me, and said: "You mean... you don't know?"

Cue the embarrassed nod.

"Well, I don't want to tell you... because I don't want to backstab, nor do I want to weigh you down," she said. But she explained that because she's the social butterfly that she is, she has a wide range of friends who are forever having fights. They fight, they break up; they kiss, they make up. Every. Single. Day. Kind of like my friends and I in grade two.

And poor Helen gets caught up in this because they're always trying to make her take sides. Most of the time she gets away with playing Switzerland, but recently it's been one of her closest friends, and she mentions this girl... and I'm bamboozled. Because I've seen this girl, I've shared classes with her, I know her vaguely, and she's always so bright and bubbly and happygolucky, and I absolutely cannot fathom her being the sort of petty prima donna that engages in this sort of activity.

No judgement, but once again, it makes me feel like everyone is having this secret life that I'm unaware of.

Anyway, this post is not really about my oblivion. It's about how Helen tells me these intimate things without the detailed gossip (because that's only some of the stuff she's stressed about), things she can't say to her real friends, and I wonder why. I wonder if she realises how little she knows of me, too. And I wonder what else I'm missing from the facade of my seemingly carefree peers.

She's not the only one. I have another friend, this one is more long-term. Lettuce call her Preity. Last term, again, Preity was chatting with Star and I, and I have to let you know: she's what you call really bright and bubbly, happygolucky, hyperactive, made of love. We were talking about things, and one thing led to another, and eventually she told us her father was an alcoholic, he would get angry with her older brothers (who, you could say, are old enough to take care of themselves) he'd hit them, and her mother would faint during these episodes. He never hurt her, though. I don't know how commonly this occurs in her life, but...  yeah. And also, for all her high school life up til like, two weeks ago, her parents have never let her go out with friends. Ever. EVER. And - and this is a normal Asian thing, I suppose ^_^ - her parents have forced her to take all the scienceymaths subjects, which are just not meant for her. Her personality doesn't fit it, and I don't want to be mean, but I don't think she'll do that well. And she doesn't think so either, because they weren't subjects she wanted, nor is she good at them.

("And I thought your parents were strict," Star says to me. I have never thought of my parents as strict, but now I know that if I ever do... well. Well.)

And no one knew about this, at all. We were trying to pep talk her on how to deal with this, and we kept saying she shouldn't have to live like this, but - and this is why I say she's the real bright and bubbly, happygolucky, hyperactive, made of love of person - she was telling all this to us with this big beam on her face. And when we prodded her, she sort of just sighed carelessly and said: 'Well, yeah, I know, but I mean... they're my family. I know they're not perfect, but I still love them anyway.'

And in a weird sort of way, I understand her, and I couldn't push her any further because I felt like somehow, making her change that would ruin her happiness. She's the kind of person who would only be happy if she could make her parents happy. Nevertheless, I've told her that she can spill to me or call me whenever...

... but once again, how doesn't anyone know this stuff? I've known her for almost five years! FIVE! And I didn't know this!

Two of my friends' mothers have cancer. For one, she told me, but it's still a Big Secret, and for the other, my mother told me, and that friend doesn't know that I know.

And to think of the things that I don't tell my friends - it frightens me at all the possibilities of what everyone could be hiding. 

Recently, around the table in my kitchen, I've been hearing things. About the Swindler. About his house. About sending people to check for cameras. About going there at night. About getting the money back in not very nice ways.

And it terrifies me, because there's an underbelly going on in my very own home and I don't know what it is, but I can feel it's something big and it might explode and drag us all down.

Peace in,
Laila