Catch My Breath

I'm having a bad bad day, it's about time that I get my way...

Steamrolling whatever I see,

HUH, despicable me!

-_-'

Remember when I said I was nominated for the Youth of the Year award? Well, in my head it was a far away thing, some months away. I had the interview today.

I'm so ANGRY.

Oh - uh, before you think I was caught by surprise, I was notified a week earlier, so yeah ^^

But I'm so MAD.

At MYSELF.

First and foremost, and I said this to the judges, so hopefully they'll take this into consideration, but I do not like being put on the spot. At all. I'm just awful at it. Sometimes I have random streaks of awesome, but they're very very very... very..... veryveryveryveryvery rare.

Normally, I'm simply one of those people that are continuously met with facepalmwhydidn'tIsaythat? moments. Or, alternatively, facepalmwhyDIDIsaythat? moments.

For example, when we were studying The Kite Runner, and my teacher had been rattling on about something or another, we came to realise that some character in the novel didn't have a last name. For the sake of the discussion, my teacher asked us to come up with one - some Afghan/Pakistani last name. I started racking my brains, thinking of the Afghan/Pakistani people I knew, and the first one that came to mind I blurted out.

I said Khan. LHASLJFHADSF. That's the name of the protagonist! Behold, my stupidity in situations of spontaneity.

So anyhow, on that side-note, interviews are obviously based on being put on the spot. I can safely say that I didn't say anything particularly humiliating, it was not dreadful, but.... I was just so awkward and as soon as I stepped out all these things came to mind for me to say and I really wanted to just run back in there and dive onto my knees, my nose even, and beg for a second chance. 

I mean, their questions were very open-ended, because they wanted us to be able to respond 'in a way that is comfortable for you', but... I couldn't. When people say 'tell us about yourself', I ... don't know what to say. When they asked 'talk about a global issue', my mind just went blank, but I like global issues! I think about them a lot! Whyy? WHYYYY?

It's not fair. This was about three hours ago, and since then all I can think of is these things I could have said, explained better, talked about. Interesting, quirky, perhaps even funny stuff. And I have to spend the rest of my life knowing that I could have really impressed them, and I didn't.

Now there's only the speech left, and all I can see are flaws. Flaw flaws flaws, riddled throughout my speech. And I keep worrying that's it not interesting or funny, it's overdone, it's cheesy, it's patronizing, it's biased, they'll hate it, blah blah blah, and I really DON'T want to see these, I DON'T want to think like this, but I can't help it.

Not to mention my parents - I don't want to let them down. They're so excited. My dad keeps saying 'when you win, yadda yadda yadda', and I'm trying to get it to them that it's only a possibility - a slight, miniscule possibility - but I just know they're going to be disappointed.

I need some optimism. Oh, I'll tell you about Wednesday!

Wednesday I did my English issues oral. She gave us a list of topics, mind you, that had to be researched minimally, and argued more logically. I picked 'Advertisements should be banned', although I amended it slightly so they should only be restricted. Anyhow, I had a speech written out - I picked this topic on her request because the one I wanted I had too much to say on, so my speech for this was perfectly in time. 

But my teacher, being the revolutionary that she is, made a new rule. She said if you use cue cards, she'll take a mark off. It's only one mark, but she wanted us to try be a bit more focused on delivery, rather than reading, you know?

Well, I couldn't go up there without my cue cards, they're just comfortable to me. But - and here's a moment of my awesome spontaneity - I decided that I was not going to use them. I figured it would be a compromise; I'd try without them, but if I went mind-blank, well, I'd have the security of my beautiful cards.

Ladies and gentlemen, I did the whole thing without the cards. I'm not talking about memorised speech. I'm talking about pure improvisation and communication. I knew my three points - I guess minimal research and maximum logic really helps on that, 'cause you don't have to keep facts and figures and references in your head - and then I just stood there and delivered and it was the best experience ever. I made proper eye-contact, and I finished perfectly in time - 4 minutes and 55 seconds (the limit is 5min.)

My grade was 19/20! x)

The one mark I lost was for the rebuttal. You know how I said she had a list of topics? Well, this one guy wasn't there that day, and he had already made his own oral when he came back, so she didn't want to make him redo it. Being the lucky girl I am, I was picked to rebut him (everyone had to rebut somebody, I mean, they don't reply, you just provide a counter-argument.). You know what his topic was? Fitness is good for you.

How's one supposed to argue against that? I managed it though, and 4/5 for that section is good enough for me.

Huh, maybe I'm overreacting. It's weird, 'cause I know, in my heart of hearts, that I'm not going to win. But being human, I couldn't help getting caught up in it, and in my head it was all going to work out like a dream. Such is life.

I just spoke to Star.... I feel better ^^ It's not that she told me that there's hope yet! or you're underestimating yourself , though those things are still nice and appreciated.... all she did was just relate to me, and we had a nice collaborated rant about our failings at these on-the-spot-moments.
I love my friends ♥

And I love you guys too! I mean it. I appreciate each and every one of your comments, every single letter you write. 

I was talking to a family friend once, and this new girl that came to my Islamic studies class, and you know, I was building friendships. Anyhow, while we were in the mode of figuring out common attributes, it came out that they're both tumblr people. Feeling left out, I mentioned I had a blog. My family friend was all snicker-y (it's just how we roll, I love her x) ) and she was like, 'do you have any followers?' At the time, I had maybe three? Which is meagre compared to the jizbillions of tumblr followers you can have. But I was thinking about it, and I realised that you can have those jizbillions of followers, who aimlessly reblog whatever you put up, who are just more numbers on your 'followers' list, or you could have a few followers, even just one, who faithfully reads your every post, whose comments extend to more than just a 'lol', who offers you advice and is even ready to tell you where you're wrong in a reasonable manner. 

The latter would be more than just a number on a followers list - it would be a friend. I'm happy to have the less-than-jizbillion followers that I do. You guys are AWESOME. Keep that in mind for me, won't you? (:

Linchy picture moment! Rumi quote, read from bottom up:

She said she didn't upload it on her deviantART because she doesn't like it. But I do, the colour scheme (*wink wink*) is my favourite. It's pretty, non?

And... here's a pic Star just sent me O_O

ATM:
Writing: NaNoWriMo. I'm saying that 'cause it's on my mind still... 
Reading: Silas Marner. George Eliot. Tis... interesting, so far. I haven't reached A Point, yet.
Listening to: Catch My Breath. Kelly Clarkson. NU SONG, BRO! xD
Feeling: Relieved. Vented out and all that...

(GAH. It's so hard to pick a favourite verse!!)

Catching my breath, letting it go
Turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath
No one can hold me back
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath
Won't let them get me down
It's all so simple now

Peace in,
Laila