Miracles & Souls & Dreams

My life is a wreck right now.

School is literally taking over. I feel like I have no breathing space to do anything I love. Writing? No. Reading? God, no. Painting? Nada. Even my precious walking time is being limited. And no matter how many hours I spend on maths, I can never keep up.

There's been a few good things though. Liiike.... my 100% for my second Legal SAC. My 30/30 for my English SAC, the short story. And 40/40 for my Literature SAC, the Emma essay. I'm so proud of both - though I've kept my bragging to a minimum. Well, I brag to a few specific people, and here of course: DUDES, DO YOU SEE THOSE MARKS THERE?!?!?

But I'm trying to avoid it getting too much with everyone knowing and such. I don't want to look like a snob, I don't want people to measure their results by mine, and most importantly, I don't want it to turn into an expectation. The worst bit is people ask, and when I try to avoid answering, you know, I'd be like: 'I did well.' And they'll guess straight away, and I'm not very good at poker faces. But I'm trying.

Though I have to confess somewhere, and because I'm technically anonymous here, and I hope you guys don't judge, but I'm SOOOOOOOO PROUD. Prouder than I'm revealing to anyone. One reason is because of my English tutor.

I love him.

No, not like that, as in out of pure respect. He's the kinda wise teacher figure one imagines visiting in the future even when the studies are done. He's funny, sarcastic, mean, but wise and understanding and motivating. I've never felt so at home in any other place; I rarely talk willingly to teachers, in fact, Ms M (my English teacher) said in my parent-teacher-interview-minus-the-parent that my main problem is that I only talk when I'm forced to. But in English tuition, I'm so used to having this lighthearted bantering with him, and, because he taught my sister too, I cannot even fathom how out of the two of us, he thinks I'm the cheeky evil one!! I've always been told I'm the angel, so this is new, and I actually like it. And he means it with such good humour.

But when I came and told him that I got a 30/30, he was just so proud! He kept repeating it, congratulating me, and telling the others, and... well, okay, look at this way. Teachers are kinda expected to be nice, and, well, they're teachers. My friends will be proud, but again, it's their duty. My mother doesn't really care about any of my results now, she's waiting for my final exams at the end of next year, and her standard is 99.9 (with all pressure intended). She means well, but it hurts when I come home after striving so much for just one SAC, like, my first legal SAC. I got 100% for that too, and when I was on cloud 9, and I came home from school and told her, and the only thing she said was: 'Your sister was bringing the same results last year, and look what she got for VCE. Wait until you get your results, then I'll congratulate you.'

On a side note, my sister got 90+. It's still a massive achievement.

So yeah, my English tutor (I'll have to find him an alias soon) dealt me all the praise I needed, but at the same time he's so mean so I don't get a big head. And the way he teaches... oh, how I respect him. But when he was talking to us, along the way he mentioned that his biggest dream is to coach a student to get a study score of 50/50, that it would just... make him blissfully, eternally happy.

So guess what guys? Surprise, surprise, my new aim is to be that girl. The 50/50. It's going to take a lot, because English is the only mandatory subject for all students of our state; that or ESL or Literature. English is most common. I'm up against everyone.

BUT I WANT TO. Pray for me, my darlings, and do motivate me in times of need :)

So that was one moment of glory, the other was in English at school. So going back to my parent-teacher-interview-minus-the-parent, I wanted to build on the OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SPEAK thing. It's so difficult for me. I just.... I just have to rethink everything in my head a million times and make sure it's indisputable and perfect before I say it, and by the time I'm satisfied, the moment has passed. 

My friend J Turtle kept motivating, and I really wanted to do the best I could in English, so a lesson came up and I took a chance.

There was this article - okay, this may get confusing, but basically, the article was about another article. This lady had published an article on how all Arab men hate women, we're oppressed and despised, blah blah blah. There was outrage and anger at what she had written, by Arab women too. So the lady that wrote the article that we were analysing was basically saying that that women had written badly, but everyone else was missing the point. The point, she said, is that all men hate women, all women hate women, and misogyny is an international thing, la di da. Side note: we were referring to her as the crazy feminist. ANYWAY.

So Ms M was asking us for our opinions on it, and I was looking at one of the things on it... this lady had said part of Islamic culture - and Islam is a RELIGION, CULTURE is what contaminates it - forces women to dress down and cover up to avoid the lustful gazes of men, that women have to appear 'modest' but there's no responsibility on men. 

I knew this was wrong. I decided to take a chance. I didn't think, and I put my hand up.

I said:

"I think this woman is kinda biased and ignorant.... [ forgot my exact words ] ... but the first commandment in the Qu'ran, our holy book, is for the men to lower their gaze. Men first."

I SAID THAT. I think it may have been worded a little differently, I can't remember - this was some weeks ago? And I've been so buried under work and stressed and... yeah, never mind, the point is, I SAID THAT. And Ms M looked pleasantly surprised.

I'm working on maintaining that. Monday's gonna be a real test though, 'cause it's our issues oral. Lo and behold, I'm doing it on my precious boat people topic, but... the thing is, the way I write is not the way I speak. So while I may have this awesomely sarcastic speech, it will come out in a series of mumbles and stutters. The piece of advice Ms M gave on that was, in her words: 'You look up because you have to, not because you want to. You need more purpose in your eye contact.'

Kudos to her for making that observation; I usually get the 'you need more strength in your voice, you need to make your voice reach to the other side of the room, you need to engage people with your voice' etc. That's why she's awesome.

The other problem with this oral is that it's a completely new audience. For the last four years, I've had the same class, and perhaps only in the last two years have I actually gotten used to doing orals in front of them. They're comfortable, they're friendly, I know them all. Yet this is a whole new class, and although some of them are my friends, they're not close, and I don't know the majority.

I'm terrified. 

Anyway, that is that. That's the least of my problems, I'll save you from the worst.

But here's something interesting... and a little pitiful. I don't know why.

In Literature, we're studying The Bacchae, and at some point Mr H asked the class who believes in miracles.

I was the only one who put my hand up.

Why? I don't know. It just seems so... cynical... and tragic. I.. I don't know. Does that seem a little sad to you? It does to me. I don't hold it against them, but... I feel kinda sorry for them too. I don't know. 

I just said I don't know three times. Four.

My sister does philosophy in uni, and once the question was asked: 'Who believes in souls?'

Now, my situation was in a small class of probably less than 20. The uni auditorium must have over a hundred people. 

No one put their hands up.

It's just so... creepy! I don't get it. Why not? Is everyone really that... faithless... or something? Gah. I don't even know my point. But I find it sad.

I guess, though, with miracles, it's about what you percieve one to be. I think that if butterfly wings cause tornadoes, that's a miracle. That when water responds to outside sound, it's a miracle. When a baby is pulled out of the rubble days after a natural disaster, untouched, alive and well, it's a miracle. Heck, birth in itself is a miracle to me: the introduction of a new original being, unique and beautiful. 

It's part of why I want to be a midwife.

But dude, for me to get two 100%s for my first two legal SACs, and two 40/40s for my first two literature SACs is another miracle, right before my eyes, thank you very much. Miracles... they help you with hope. Of course I relate mine to God, but even if you don't make that connection, it's still going to give you some hope, right?

So whatcha'll think?

ATM:

Reading: Nothing.

Writing: Chipped. Well, I want to. Technically I haven't written much at all.

Listening to: Nothing.

Feeling: Constrained. Tired. Maybe even depressed. There's so much to do, so little time.

I watched Forrest Gump. I liked. I recommend.  Here's the one line that stuck out and seems to forever float about in my mind:

 

Excuse the expletives.

Peace in,

Laila

These Are My Favourite Things

There are many, many things I'd like to talk about. A lot involve complaining, I'm sure you've noticed. 

But I read this some time ago:

Yes. I've been meaning to do this for a while.... just post a bunch of random things that I like, maybe get you interested in some. So despite many downs... and some ups in my life, I will not force you to hear it - this post will be very lighthearted. Let me start with a quote that covers me and decisions and whining ^^

“Personally, I like it much better when someone else does the decision making. That way you have legitimate grounds to whine and complain. I tend to find both whining and complaining quite interesting and amusing, though sometimes--unfortunately--it's hard to choose which one of the two I want to do.
Sigh. Life can be so tough sometimes.”

― Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Scrivener's Bones

 (: You know what I love? Full House. I must've mentioned it somewhere on here before. I adore it. I've only completed watching the second season, where Jesse ALMOST got married, and the Tanner girls are getting all grown up... but I really wish there were more shows like it before. It's such a funny, familyish thing. It's got... schmaltzy stuff in it (thank you Arvie ^^ ) but it's just nice. If you don't know, it's about a family of three youngs girls and their dad - their mother dies offscreen. The girl's uncle Jesse, and their dad's friend Joe move in to support them. They're a dysfunctional lot, but they make things work. It's cute, and moralistic, but beautiful. I'm sure you can be a judge of whether it's your type or not. Here's a part from the second season, where Stephanie is sick of being ignored because she's the middle child... so she decides to marry her friend, which will apparently gain her the independance to leave home and get her own house, and, and, she'd even get to cross the road alone!

 

Hehehe ^^

Aw. Young love ♥

So there's one thing I love. Hm... what else? I love my religion, but I feel weird promoting it. OH. Here's a story you may like, it's very nice, do read:

Keep Your Dream

I have a friend named Monty Roberts who owns a horse ranch in San Ysidro. He has let me use his house to put on fund-raising events to raise money for youth at risk programs.

The last time I was there he introduced me by saying, “I want to tell you why I let Jack use my horse. It all goes back to a story about a young man who was the son of an itinerant horse trainer who would go from stable to stable, race track to race track, farm to farm and ranch to ranch, training horses. As a result, the boy’s high school career was continually interrupted. When he was a senior, he was asked to write a paper about what he wanted to be and do when he grew up.

“That night he wrote a seven-page paper describing his goal of someday owning a horse ranch. He wrote about his dream in great detail and he even drew a diagram of a 200-acre ranch, showing the location of all the buildings, the stables and the track. Then he drew a detailed floor plan for a 4,000-square-foot house that would sit on a 200-acre dream ranch.

“He put a great deal of his heart into the project and the next day he handed it in to his teacher. Two days later he received his paper back. On the front page was a large red F with a note that read, `See me after class.’

“The boy with the dream went to see the teacher after class and asked, `Why did I receive an F?’

“The teacher said, `This is an unrealistic dream for a young boy like you. You have no money. You come from an itinerant family. You have no resources. Owning a horse ranch requires a lot of money. You have to buy the land. You have to pay for the original breeding stock and later you’ll have to pay large stud fees. There’s no way you could ever do it.’ Then the teacher added, `If you will rewrite this paper with a more realistic goal, I will reconsider your grade.’

“The boy went home and thought about it long and hard. He asked his father what he should do. His father said, `Look, son, you have to make up your own mind on this. However, I think it is a very important decision for you.’ “Finally, after sitting with it for a week, the boy turned in the same paper, making no changes at all.

He stated, “You can keep the F and I’ll keep my dream.”

Monty then turned to the assembled group and said, “I tell you this story because you are sitting in my 4,000-square-foot house in the middle of my 200-acre horse ranch. I still have that school paper framed over the fireplace.” He added, “The best part of the story is that two summers ago that same schoolteacher brought 30 kids to camp out on my ranch for a week.” When the teacher was leaving, he said, “Look, Monty, I can tell you this now. When I was your teacher, I was something of a dream stealer. During those years I stole a lot of kids’ dreams. Fortunately you had enough gumption not to give up on yours.”

“Don’t let anyone steal your dreams. Follow your heart, no matter what.”

- Author Unknown

Lovely, right? :) Star showed me. You know what? I should tell you about some books I recommend. Okay. Okay. First up...

Dirty Magic. By Carol Hughes. It's not... famous. And lemme tell you my first thought: I have no idea what the title has to do with the book. The only 'magic' in it, I guess, is that it's an alternate world of sorts... but it's not the witchy, or fairyish kind. It's... it'll hit you as something unique. There's a lovely kind of innocence to it....I had orginally written a little summary thing, but it's way too lengthy, so here's the blurb they provide: 
After a night of particularly strange and vivid dreams, Joe is visited by a girl who seems to be all gray, from her hair to her eyes to her clothes. Wherever she steps, the world melts away, replaced by a land of mud and rain. Telling Joe he must come with her if he wants to save his younger sister, who is gravely ill, the girl leads Joe through to her gray world, which is in the midst of a twenty-year-old war. There Joe dodges bullets, fearsome motion-tracking tanks, and the secret police as he searches for his sister.

Okay. There's a book. 

I KNOW. 

A movie. 

And I'm going to be different, and recommend a Hindi one. Even better, I'm going to go out of my normal grounds and recommend an all out love story. And if I recommend a romance, you know it has to be something. But once again, I'll leave you to be a judge of it.

This one is old, it's called 'Kuch Kuch Hota Hai', which either means 'Something happens', or 'something happens in my heart'. Donno, I'm working off subtitles.

Anyway, it's the story of two best friends in college: they 'rule the school', so to speak. The guy, Rahul, is ridiculously goodlooking, the handsome sporty chick-magnet kind, and the girl, Anjali, is a serious tomboy. They don't even consider romance in their relationship, unless to joke. Enter Tina, the principal's daughter, a beautiful, elegant, intelligent girl who had been studying in England. Of course Rahul's all over her, but unlike the other girls in the school, she's not so easy to win over. So they're in class, about to start studying Romeo & Juliet. The teacher asks Anjali first, then Tina, what love is. Neither have a clue. She asks Rahul, and he's like, 'Love is friendship'. He goes on to make a speech about how he can't be in love with a girl without being her friend first. This wins over Tina, but at the same time, it ... gives Anjali dreams. She falls in love with him, but she never gets a chance to admit it, because eventually Rahul manages to truly admit to loving Tina, and Tina loves him back. Not wanting to ruin the happiness of her best friend, and unable to hang around and be tortured herself, Anjali leaves.

Fast forward many years, Tina and Rahul have gotten married, she had a baby, and died as a result. The baby is a girl she names Anjali, before she dies. Because she knew that childbirth would result in her death, she wrote letters to her unborn kid, one to be delivered every birthday. The movie actually starts with lil' Anjali opening her eighth letter, I believe, where she is told the history I just told you about. And her mother leaves her with the one request that she reunite Rahul and Anjali, and make sure they end up together this time.

I will say no more, other than it's sweet, funny, and cute. It's a tad bit old too, and 'cause it's Hindi, it's fairly long. But it's WORTH it, and you can find it on Youtube, I believe, in parts ;)

This is one of the songs from it, from Rahul and Anjali's college days:

x)

Anything else I love? Ooooh. How about a song?

Umm.... yes, I'll just post a few songs from different artists I love. Maybe one day you can listen.

Kelly Clarkson: My Life Would Suck Without You.

 

Colbie Caillat: Brighter than the Sun.

 

Delta Goodrem: Predictable.

 

Lenka: Maybe I Love You.

LOL, I will leave y'all alone. I was gonna find pictures, but I think it's already way too much stuff here, besides, I gotta go tuition. So have fun, everyone, and....

Peace in,

Laila